Why Do Couples Grow Apart in Marriage? And What to Do About It?

Do you feel like you and your partner are growing apart? It’s possible to reconnect. Learn about why you might be growing apart and how to rebuild intimacy in a marriage.

Growing apart in marriage is a common experience for many couples, often occurring long before they have the words to describe it. What once felt effortless—conversation, affection, shared excitement—can slowly fade as life becomes busy, priorities shift, and emotional distance builds. One may still love their partner, but feel as though they’re living separate lives, unsure of how they drifted so far apart or whether the connection can be rebuilt. Here is a deeper explanation of what growing apart in marriage really means, the signs to look for, and how married couples can reconnect—or decide, with clarity and compassion, when it may be time to let go.

Why do people grow apart in marriage?

Growing apart in marriage can occur for many reasons. Sometimes it stems from unresolved conflict, resentment, or unspoken hurt. Other times, it’s the natural result of major life changes, such as career changes, new ambitions, parenting challenges, or shifting values. Even passionate relationships can experience emotional distance when partners stop investing in closeness, affection, and intimacy.

However, growing apart doesn’t necessarily mean the marriage is doomed. It simply means the emotional connection a couple once shared has weakened, and it may take a different way of communicating or reconnecting to rebuild it.

Symptoms of growing apart in marriage

Growing apart refers to the gradual loss of emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, and shared purpose within a relationship. Partners may still love each other, but the once easy and natural connection now feels strained or unfamiliar. In some cases, couples might feel like roommates rather than romantic partners.

Even in healthy relationships, couples change over time. But when partners don’t grow in the same direction, emotional closeness can fade. What used to bring them together may no longer feel fulfilling, and conversations that once felt effortless can become awkward or distant. Over time, this shift can create a quiet gap between partners—one that widens unless both people intentionally turn toward each other again.

Drifting apart vs. a rough patch in marriage

A rough patch in marriage is different from growing apart. Rough patches are usually temporary—a stressful period in life, a disagreement, a financial struggle, or external pressures that cause tension. Most married couples experience these moments, and with honest conversation, mutual respect, and sometimes marriage counseling or couples therapy, they can overcome them.

Growing apart, however, is marked by a deeper emotional shift. It’s not just a bad week or month—it’s an ongoing feeling of disconnect.

Signs of drifting apart in a relationship

Not all couples recognize the distance right away. Here are subtle signs that they may be drifting apart. 

1. Avoiding emotional conversations because they feel exhausting or pointless.

2. Shared experiences decrease, and partners spend their free time doing different things.

3. Affection fades, such as less touching, hugging, or physical closeness. The relationship may begin to feel less tender.

4. Consistently prioritizing work, hobbies, or friends over a partner without noticing.

5. Quietly built resentment, and little things seem more irritating.

6. Date night stops feeling important, or someone is unable to remember the last time one was planned.

7.  Daily life becomes transactional, like managing chores or schedules.

8. Keeping personal information to oneself instead of confiding in their partner. 

It’s important to note that these signs don’t automatically mean a couple needs to break up—but they do suggest that emotional intimacy needs attention. 

How to tell someone you’ve grown apart

This is one of the most difficult conversations a couple can have. Whether they hope to repair the marriage or gently acknowledge that it’s ending, honesty matters. Here is how to approach the topic of growing apart.

1. Choose a calm, private time 

Choosing a calm, private moment, rather than during conflict,  is important when telling someone about growing apart. It allows both partners to speak openly without heightened emotions getting in the way. Furthermore, a peaceful setting helps the conversation stay respectful and focused, rather than turning into an argument or defensive exchange.

2. Use “I” statements 

Using “I” statements, such as “I’ve realized I miss the closeness we used to have,” or “I feel like we’ve been living more as roommates than partners,” is especially helpful when talking about growing apart. This helps center the conversation on one’s own experience rather than accusing the partner. An approach like this makes it easier for both people to stay open and honest instead of becoming defensive.

3. Be clear but compassionate

Being clear but compassionate is essential when explaining growing apart, because honesty delivered with care helps protect both partners’ dignity. One should express their truth directly while avoiding cruel or abrupt phrasing, focusing on empathy and respect rather than blame or criticism. 

4. Avoid sharing unnecessary personal information 

When discussing growing apart in marriage, it’s important to stay focused on the present rather than revisiting past mistakes or painful details. Bringing up old issues can escalate emotions and derail the conversation, making it harder for both partners to communicate respectfully and move forward without reopening old wounds.

5. Invite dialogue

While talking about growing apart, it’s important to create room for a genuine two-way conversation rather than blaming a spouse for the distance. Welcoming their thoughts and emotions helps both partners feel respected and heard, which can make a painful topic easier to process. This open approach encourages understanding instead of defensiveness and keeps the conversation focused on clarity, compassion, and what comes next.

These conversations are often difficult and lengthy, and are not completed in just one sitting alone. It’s important to remember that no one has to decide the future in one conversation. While the outcomes may be different, the goal of these discussions is ultimately one that is decided between you and your partner.

How to fix growing apart in a relationship

Even when couples have grown apart, rebuilding the marriage and emotional reconnection is possible. Many couples rediscover love after feeling distant for years. Here are the steps to fix a relationship that has grown apart. 

1. Start with an honest conversation

The first step is acknowledging and accepting that a couple has grown apart, and having an honest conversation about it. Using the points from above, the conversation should be clear and respectful on both sides and will pave the path for reconnection. 

2. Prioritize quality time

It is important to spend meaningful time together, not just sitting in the same room. Go for walks, plan date nights, or revisit old hobbies. Making intentional time for each other helps rebuild emotional closeness and reminds both partners of the connection that brought them together. Even small shared activities can spark conversation, laughter, and affection, creating opportunities to reconnect and slowly bridge the gap that has developed over time.

3. Rebuild emotional intimacy

Emotional closeness grows when partners open up and feel heard, making it important to share thoughts, goals, emotions, and fears. Rebuilding emotional intimacy means creating a safe space where both partners can express themselves without judgment, listen actively, and respond with empathy. Over time, these small but consistent efforts help restore trust, understanding, and connection.

4. Address underlying issues

If there were specific issues that led to resentment, address the conflict patterns or lifestyle differences that contributed to the distance. Addressing underlying issues means honestly examining the root causes of growing apart in the marriage, rather than just treating the surface-level symptoms. By identifying and discussing these challenges, couples can work together to resolve tension, prevent recurring problems, and rebuild a foundation of trust, understanding, and emotional connection.

5. Seek marriage counseling or couples therapy

Seeking marriage counseling or couples therapy provides a structured, supportive environment where both partners can explore emotions, work through unresolved conflict, and learn practical tools for reconnecting. Additionally, a relationship expert can help couples understand communication patterns and rebuild closeness. Many married couples find that guided support from a professional makes difficult conversations more productive and helps restore the emotional intimacy that has been lost over time.

6. Create new shared experiences

Creating new shared experiences introduces novelty into the relationship, which can reignite curiosity, excitement, and emotional closeness. Activities like trying new restaurants, taking short trips, or trying things neither partner has done before help create new bonding opportunities. Furthermore, experiencing something unfamiliar together encourages teamwork, conversation, and laughter, all of which help couples rebuild the bond that may have weakened.

How to reconnect after growing apart

Reconnection requires both partners to participate. It’s not about going back to who you were, but choosing to grow forward together. Here are some tips on how to reconnect after growing apart.  

1. Be intentional 

Reconnecting after growing apart requires deliberate effort—planning meaningful time together, checking in emotionally, and prioritizing a partner in daily life. Small, consistent actions signal commitment to rebuilding closeness and help both partners feel valued and understood, gradually restoring the bond that was weakened over time.

2. Practice appreciation

Practicing appreciation helps rebuild emotional closeness by highlighting the positive aspects of the relationship that may have been overlooked. Expressing gratitude for a spouse’s efforts, qualities, and small gestures not only strengthens mutual respect but also reminds both partners why they chose each other in the first place, fostering warmth and connection as they work to reconnect.

3. Reestablish boundaries around work and free time 

Setting clear limits helps ensure that daily responsibilities, career demands, and personal activities don’t overshadow the relationship. By setting aside dedicated time for connection, couples can prioritize emotional intimacy, shared experiences, and meaningful conversation, making it easier to rebuild closeness in the relationship.

4. Discuss the future together

Talking openly about what both partners want from life helps reestablish a sense of partnership and shared purpose. When couples align on hopes and challenges, it builds collaboration, mutual support, and a renewed sense of connection, all of which are essential for rebuilding a marriage after growing apart.

5. Rebuild trust 

Demonstrating reliability, honesty, and attentiveness over time reassures both partners that they can count on one another. Small, consistent actions, such as listening without judgment, keeping promises, and offering support, help restore confidence in the relationship and strengthen the emotional and physical bond.

How to end a marriage

If efforts to reconnect don’t restore the relationship, ending a marriage may be the healthiest option. This doesn’t mean the marriage was a failure; it just means that it has reached its natural conclusion. Here are some steps to consider when proceeding with a divorce. 

1. Have candid, compassionate conversations 

When navigating a divorce, speaking openly and honestly while remaining compassionate helps both partners understand each other’s feelings and intentions. These conversations make it possible to address practical matters, share concerns about the future, and maintain respect, which can reduce conflict and emotional strain during what is often a difficult transition.

2. Consult a legal professional 

Navigating a divorce can be complex, and having expert guidance ensures that both partners are informed about important legal, financial, and custody matters. A lawyer can help clarify the process, protect interests, and provide peace of mind, allowing both parties to make decisions thoughtfully rather than impulsively during an emotional time.

3. Avoid impulsive decisions

Divorce is a major life change, and making choices in the heat of the moment can lead to regret or unnecessary conflict. Taking time to reflect, gather information, and consider the long-term consequences helps ensure that decisions about separation, finances, or living arrangements are thoughtful, fair, and in the best interest of both partners.

4. Plan for the emotional and practical transition

Preparing for life after divorce involves more than just legal or financial arrangements—it also means anticipating the emotional adjustments for both partners. Consider living arrangements, co-parenting responsibilities, support systems, and self-care strategies, so the transition is as smooth and manageable as possible while maintaining stability and respect for everyone involved.

5. Lean on friends, support groups, or a therapist

Going through a divorce can be emotionally taxing, and having trusted people to talk to provides perspective, encouragement, and comfort. Professional or personal support systems help people navigate complex emotions, manage stress, and make thoughtful decisions, making the transition healthier for both spouses.

Ending a marriage is never easy, but choosing peace over prolonged resentment can lead to healthier futures for both partners.

How Charlie Health can help

If you or a loved one is struggling with a mental health disorder, Charlie Health is here to help. Charlie Health’s virtual Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) provides more than once-weekly mental health treatment for dealing with serious mental health conditions. Our expert clinicians incorporate evidence-based therapies into individual counseling, family therapy, and group sessions. With treatment, managing your mental health is possible. Fill out the form below or give us a call to start healing today.