What Is a Toxic Friendship? Causes, Signs & Healing

Do you feel unheard, manipulated, or criticized by someone who is meant to be a friend? This could be a toxic friend. Learn how to identify a toxic friendship and how to leave the relationship to promote better mental health and healing.

Friendship is meant to be a source of comfort, trust, and joy, but what happens when it becomes a source of stress, anxiety, or self-doubt? Relationships with people who are jealous, manipulative, or simply don’t have the other person’s best interest in mind are known as “toxic friendships,” leading to emotional damage over time. Read on to learn more about what a toxic friend is, how to recognize one, and why letting go of unhealthy relationships is crucial for protecting mental health and overall well-being.

What is a toxic friend?

A toxic friend is someone who consistently harms another person’s emotional well-being through manipulation, criticism, or boundary violations. Rather than offering support and connection, they drain energy and negatively affect mental health. Unlike a good friend, whose actions reflect mutual care and respect, a toxic person often exhibits controlling, jealous, or undermining behaviors, which can occur subtly over time or show up in repetitive conflict. Whether intentional or not, the impact of their behavior creates an unhealthy friendship that can take a serious toll on one’s well-being.

Why do toxic friendships happen?

Toxic friendships often form from early emotional bonds, shared history, or convenience, but these factors can mask deeper dysfunction. People may stay in harmful dynamics out of guilt, nostalgia, or fear of losing their social circle. Here are some of the main reasons people tend to stay in toxic friendships.

1. Fear of conflict 

Many people stay in unhealthy friendships because they fear confrontation or don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings. Even when a friend consistently crosses boundaries or causes emotional harm, the thought of initiating conflict can feel overwhelming, with a person worrying about being seen as mean, selfish, or disloyal. This fear keeps people stuck in unhealthy dynamics, prioritizing someone else’s comfort over their own mental health and peace.

2. Shared mutual friends

Having shared mutual friends often makes it difficult to step away from a toxic friendship. One may worry about creating awkwardness in the group, being left out of social plans, or forcing others to “pick sides.” This social overlap can pressure them to maintain the connection, even when it’s damaging to their well-being, due to fear of disrupting the group dynamic. As a result, people tend to tolerate harmful behavior far longer than they should.

3. Low self-esteem

Low self-esteem is another factor when it comes to staying in these friendships. It can make it hard to recognize one’s worth, leading them to tolerate bad behavior in a toxic friendship. When people don’t fully believe they deserve respect or kindness, they might accept criticism, manipulation, or neglect as normal, leaving them trapped in unhealthy dynamics, convincing them that they’re lucky to have any friendship at all.

4. Social pressure 

Social pressure in environments like school, work, or tight-knit communities can make it difficult to walk away from a toxic friend. The need to fit in or maintain a certain image often outweighs personal well-being, especially for teenagers, who are still forming their identities and often feel torn between personal values and group acceptance. Peer pressure and fear of being isolated can keep them loyal to a toxic friend group, even when the friendship is clearly unhealthy.

How to recognize a toxic friend

A toxic friend can be identified through patterns of harmful behavior that make people feel unsafe, devalued, or emotionally unstable. The key is to look at long-term dynamics, not just isolated incidents. Here are some common signs of a toxic friend.

• Toxic friends often use emotional manipulation to control you and keep you tied to the toxic relationship through guilt or obligation
• They bring constant negativity to your relationship, frequently criticizing you and focusing on what’s wrong instead of offering support
• They violate boundaries by ignoring your personal limits or invading your privacy
• They minimize your achievements or turn your success into a rivalry through jealousy and competition

How to identify a true friend

A true friend is someone who makes another person feel safe, heard, and respected. They uplift them without competition, support their goals, and are emotionally available when needed. Here are some signs of a good friend. 

• They celebrate another person’s wins and stand by them during setbacks
• They accept feedback and can offer it constructively
• They respect boundaries and time
• They don’t encourage bad behavior or exploit the other person

How to set boundaries with a toxic friend

Setting boundaries with a toxic friend means clearly communicating limits and needs, and following through with consequences if they are ignored. Here are the four steps to set healthy boundaries.

1. Identify limits

The first step in setting boundaries with a toxic friend is to clearly identify limits and understand what specific behaviors cross the line for a person. Whether it’s constant criticism, disrespecting privacy, or pressuring them into risky decisions, knowing what one won’t tolerate helps them communicate their needs firmly.

2. Use “I” statements

When setting boundaries with a toxic friend, using “I” statements helps to express feelings clearly while staying respectful. For example, saying, “I don’t feel comfortable when you speak to me that way,” focuses on one’s experience instead of blaming, which reduces defensiveness. This direct but compassionate communication makes it easier to assert needs and encourages the friend to understand the impact of their behavior.

3. Enforce consequences

If boundaries are repeatedly ignored or violated by a toxic friend, it’s important to enforce consequences to protect one’s well-being. This might mean reducing contact, limiting interactions, or even walking away from the friendship entirely. Setting and maintaining these consequences shows that one values their mental health and will not accept harmful behavior, which is essential for breaking free from an unhealthy dynamic.

4. Document behavior (if necessary)

In some more severe situations, especially in shared environments like school or work, it can be helpful to document behavior when dealing with a toxic friend. Keeping a record of specific incidents, including dates and details, provides clarity and evidence if a person needs to address the issue with a third party or seek support. This practice can empower someone to take action confidently and protect themselves from ongoing emotional abuse or boundary violations.

Why is it so hard to end a toxic friendship?

Ending a toxic friendship is difficult because of emotional attachment, fear of loneliness, or worry about social consequences. Someone may also second-guess their decision if the friend occasionally acts kindly. Psychologically, people crave consistency and connection, which makes cutting ties feel like a horrible thing, even if the relationship is damaging. However, staying in a bad friendship can cause far more pain than the discomfort of walking away, as long-term exposure to toxic behavior may cause people to normalize it, making it harder to identify red flags in future relationships.

How does social media affect toxic friendships?

Social media often amplifies toxic behavior by encouraging performative connection, comparison, and exclusion. Features like unfollowing, group chats, and stories can be used to passive-aggressively target or isolate someone in a toxic friend group. Here are some common red flags of a toxic friendship on social media. 

• Public shaming on social media, such as vague or passive-aggressive posts, is a toxic tactic meant to embarrass or isolate someone without naming them directly
• Exclusion from digital conversations or events, like being left out of group chats or online gatherings, can send a message of rejection and control in toxic friendships
• Using private messages to spread gossip or manipulate others behind the scenes damages trust and creates conflict within friend groups

How to heal after ending a toxic friendship

Healing after a toxic friendship involves grieving the loss, rebuilding a sense of self, and learning how to engage in healthy relationships again. While the process is difficult, it’s also incredibly freeing. Here are some helpful healing tips for the aftermath of a toxic friendship.

1. Journaling 

Journaling one’s experience after ending a toxic friendship is a powerful tool for gaining clarity and processing one’s emotions. Writing down thoughts, feelings, and memories helps people make sense of the pain, recognize patterns, and track their healing process. Furthermore, this reflective practice supports emotional release and encourages self-awareness, making it easier to move forward with healthier relationship choices.

2. Work with a therapist 

Working with a therapist can be invaluable when healing from a toxic friendship. A trained professional helps people process grief, understand the impact of the toxic behavior, and develop stronger boundaries to protect themselves in future relationships. Therapy offers a safe, supportive space to rebuild mental health and learn practical tools for fostering healthy friendships.

3. Limit contact 

After ending a toxic friendship, it’s important to limit contact with mutual connections who perpetuate gossip or drama. These people can unintentionally pull someone back into unhealthy dynamics or increase emotional stress. Creating distance from toxic influences helps protect well-being and gives people space to heal and build more positive, supportive relationships.

4. Focus on self-care 

It’s also important to focus on self-care routines that restore emotional balance after leaving a toxic friendship. Activities like mindfulness, exercise, creative hobbies, or simply taking time to relax can help reduce stress and rebuild a sense of self-worth. Prioritizing one’s own needs supports healing and strengthens one’s ability to cultivate healthy relationships moving forward.

How Charlie Health can help

If you or a loved one is struggling with a mental health disorder, Charlie Health is here to help. Charlie Health’s virtual Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) provides more than once-weekly mental health treatment for dealing with serious mental health conditions. Our expert clinicians incorporate evidence-based therapies into individual counseling, family therapy, and group sessions. With treatment, managing your mental health is possible. Fill out the form below or give us a call to start healing today.