7 Therapist-Approved Ways To Reduce the Burden of Emotional Labor

Learn about emotional labor and how to reduce it.

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Are you in a relationship where you feel like you’re putting in more than the other person? You might experience emotional burnout, managing emotions for yourself and everyone around you. You might be feeling like every day brings invisible work that you must tend to, never getting the support and understanding you need from the other person. If this sounds familiar, then you might have experience with emotional labor. 

Left unaddressed, too much emotional labor can lead to resentment and exhaustion. But you don’t have to carry the weight alone. Let’s explore how to identify this invisible load and start shifting the dynamic toward balance and mutual care.

What is emotional labor?

“Emotional labor refers to the mental and emotional effort someone puts into managing their own feelings while also tending to the emotional needs of others,” says Charlie Health Group Facilitator Bree Williams, LPCA.

Of course, some emotional labor can be good in the sense that being empathetic and supportive of the people in your life matters. But it’s equally critical that you get things in return, having a balance of care, responsibility, and understanding between you and the other person.

The problem is when these aspects turn into one-sided emotional labor.

“While caring for others is a healthy part of relationships, emotional labor becomes exhausting when one person consistently holds the emotional responsibility for everyone else without receiving the same support in return,” says Williams.

Signs of emotional labor

According to Williams and Charlie Health Licensed Creative Arts Therapist Courtney Way, MA, LCAT, emotional labor can also look like:

• Suppressing personal feelings
• Providing comfort, even when you are overwhelmed or don’t have the capacity to do so
• Maintaining harmony
• Suppressing anger or frustration
• Checking in on everyone
• Meditating disagreements
• Keeping relationships functioning

“Emotional labor is often overlooked, even though it takes a significant toll on our mental and emotional well-being,” adds Way.

What does emotional labor look like in different relationships?

Emotional labor can occur in any type of relationship. All relationships require give and take, without which one person carries much of the burden. Here are some signs of emotional labor in different personal relationships

Emotional labor in romantic relationships

You might be performing much more emotional work in your romantic relationship if you’re typically the one who is emotionally available, resolves conflicts, and manages communication, explains Way and Williams.

The experts add that emotional labor can also look like maintaining and planning household activities and remembering family obligations. In short, you’re taking the emotional load in the relationship and ensuring it continues to run.

Emotional labor in platonic relationships

Friendships are a wonderful place to feel seen and heard, while also supporting the other person. But you might be providing emotional work if all you do is listen and problem-solve without getting any support in return, says Williams.

You might always be at the ready to give advice, provide reassurance, or help them manage a crisis, but not feel like they would do the same thing for you, adds Way.

Emotional labor in familial relationships

Relationships with families can be tricky, providing a range of dynamics and needs. You might feel like you perform emotional labor with your family if you’re the person who manages tensions, checks in on different family members, and organizes meetups, says Williams. 

Different emotional demands might feel at play compared with the personal relationships you’ve chosen romantically and with friends. Way seconds that: “It can manifest as a desire to maintain harmony and to care for everyone’s emotional needs.”

Emotional labor in work relationships

Emotional labor at work might feel like you’re the employee carrying the load for maintaining a good environment. You might feel like you need to act kind, friendly, or empathetic, no matter how much stress or burnout you feel, says Way.

Emotional labor might come as a result of your profession. A 2022 study found that emotional labor experienced by a health care worker increased their likelihood of emotional exhaustion, along with adverse physical and mental health. 

Williams explains that caregiving roles require an employee to “regulate their emotions, remain calm, and provide empathy regardless of their own stress or fatigue. Over time, this imbalance can lead to emotional exhaustion or resentment.” The good you do might provide a sense of job satisfaction, but constant emotional labor can also bring distress and uncertainty — each a normal human feeling when it comes to balancing the good and bad.

How to reduce your emotional labor

Reducing your emotional labor starts with clearly defining your boundaries and communicating your needs. This transition requires consistent, open dialogue to shift from carrying the load alone to fostering true, mutual partnership. Read on for more specific tips. 

1. Recognize it

As Williams puts it, “The first step is recognizing when emotional labor has become one-sided or overwhelming.” Putting in so much emotional labor might feel natural or normal to you. Realizing that there’s an imbalance gives you the opportunity to decide what you want and change things.

2. Practice open communication

If you want something to change in a relationship, then you have to say something, the experts say. The emotional labor you put in might be obvious to you, but not to the other person. Tell them about the invisible labor you do and the emotional burnout you feel. Be honest about how you’re feeling about the relationship.

3. Express your needs

Similarly, tell the other person what you need from the relationship. They might be completely unaware of the imbalance you feel. Ask them for things like more emotional support or better sharing of responsibilities, says Williams.

4. Set healthy boundaries

It’s hard to be clear about what you need, but it’s also necessary. “Setting healthy boundaries is essential — this may involve saying no to tasks that aren’t truly your responsibility, encouraging others to take ownership of their own emotions, or sharing the emotional load within relationships,” says Williams.

5. Engage in self-care

You need to look out for yourself as well. Take time to check in on yourself, thinking about any negative emotion you’ve experienced, the mental and physical labor you’ve done, and the emotional dissonance you’ve demonstrated in a relationship. Emotional expression is critical, as is prioritizing your self-care, says Way. Reflect and care for yourself as much as you can.

6. Seek out supportive relationships

Unfortunately, no matter how many boundaries you set or conversations you have, some relationships remain unbalanced and filled with emotional conflict. Think about what you want from different relationships in your life and prioritize — or seek out — the people that offer that, says Williams. Supportive people in your life can also help you work through your feelings about a separate relationship.

7. Work with a therapist

A certified mental health professional can provide you with help identifying signs of emotional labor and managing emotions. “Working with a therapist can also help individuals unpack patterns of over-functioning in relationships and learn to protect their emotional energy,” says Williams.

How Charlie Health can help  

If you or a loved one is struggling with your mental health, Charlie Health can help. Charlie Health is a virtual behavioral health provider delivering high-acuity treatment for kids, teens, and adults facing serious mental health conditions and substance use disorders. Our innovative treatment model combines clinical expertise, group connection, and measurement-based care to support long-term healing. With the right support, managing your mental health and relationships is possible. Fill out the form below to start healing today.