What Do Narcissistic Mothers Say to Their Children?

Understanding the harmful things your narcissistic mother says can help you rediscover your self-worth and limit further emotional abuse.

Narcissistic mothers often use language as a tool of manipulation, control, and emotional abuse in order to validate their need for attention and dominance over their children. For many people, these tendencies stem from narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), which is characterized by a lack of empathy, an exaggerated sense of self-importance, and a constant craving for admiration. In the context of parenting, these traits manifest in various emotionally manipulative behaviors that severely impact a child’s self-esteem and overall mental health. It is important to understand and recognize the common things narcissistic mothers say to help begin a person’s healing journey. 

4 common things narcissistic mothers say

Narcissistic mothers utilize the hurtfulness of words to maintain control over their children, undermine their confidence, and manipulate their emotions. Such phrases are tools that contribute to a toxic dynamic where the narcissistic mother’s needs are placed above the child’s feelings. Here are some of the most common phrases a narcissistic mom might use to manipulate and control their children.

1. “You’re so ungrateful.”

This phrase is a classic example of emotional blackmail, as narcissistic mothers often try to guilt trip their children and make them feel as though they are selfish for having needs or desires of their own. When a child expresses dissatisfaction or asks for something that challenges the mother’s control, this phrase is thrown at them to minimize their concerns and shift the focus back to the mother’s perceived sacrifices.

For the child, this can create a deep sense of guilt and confusion as they begin to believe that their needs are unreasonable or that they are inherently selfish for wanting anything different from what their mother has provided. This manipulative tactic ensures that the child feels indebted to their mother, reinforcing the toxic relationship.

2. “You’ll never make it without me.”

This phrase is designed to keep the child dependent on the toxic parent, resulting in low self-esteem and a sense of helplessness. By undermining the child’s sense of competence and independence, the mother’s narcissism reinforces the idea that they are incapable of surviving or succeeding without her constant guidance or approval.

Over time, this can lead to a strong fear of autonomy, as well as the possibility of the now-adult child struggling to make decisions or assert themselves in relationships and professional environments. They may continue to seek validation from their narcissistic mother or, alternatively, gravitate toward similarly controlling figures in their lives, repeating the cycle of emotional abuse.

3. “I’m the only one who truly loves you.”

As a form of emotional manipulation, this phrase is designed to isolate the child from other supportive relationships and force them to rely solely on their narcissistic mother for love, approval, and validation. By suggesting that no one else can love their child as they do, the mother’s behavior creates a sense of emotional dependency that can be hard for the child to break.

Additionally, children who grow up hearing this may internalize the belief that their mother is their only source of love and support. As a result, they may feel unworthy of love from others and may have difficulty forming healthy, reciprocal relationships in adulthood.

4. “You’re the reason I’m unhappy.”

A manipulative phrase such as this shifts the responsibility for the mother’s emotional well-being onto their child. This is a form of blame-shifting that makes the child feel guilty about their mother’s unhappiness, reinforcing the idea that they are responsible for her emotional state.

This narcissistic behavior creates a toxic dynamic where the child feels as though they must constantly cater to their mother’s needs in order to avoid her narcissistic rage or sadness. Eventually, this can lead a child to have low self-worth and a tendency to prioritize others’ needs over their own, which is a trait that can carry into adulthood and create unhealthy relationship patterns.

How narcissistic mothers impact their children

The psychological and emotional effects of being raised by a narcissistic mother are significant and may be long-lasting. Narcissistic parenting is characterized by emotional abuse, manipulation, and a lack of empathy, all of which can leave deep scars on a child’s mental health and sense of self-worth. There are various effects that a mother’s narcissism can have on their children, inhibiting their ability to form relationships with others as well as themselves. 

1. Low self-esteem and chronic self-doubt

Growing up around the toxic behavior of a narcissistic mother who constantly undermines, belittles, or invalidates their child’s emotions can result in increased low self-esteem. A child who suffers from this abusive behavior often believes that they are inherently flawed, unworthy of love, or incapable of success. Consequently, this chronic self-doubt can carry into adulthood, affecting everything from career choices to personal relationships.

2. Difficulty setting boundaries

Children of narcissistic parents often struggle to set boundaries in their adult lives due to being raised in an environment where their needs are consistently dismissed or minimized. These children may feel uncomfortable asserting their own desires or saying “no” to others, leading to an unhealthy or abusive relationship where they are taken advantage of or manipulated by others who recognize their difficulty with boundaries.

3. Anxiety and depression

The constant emotional manipulation and psychological abuse resulting from a mother’s narcissistic traits can lead to various mental health disorders, such as chronic anxiety and depression. From growing up in these environments, children may develop internalized guilt and feel responsible for their mother’s emotions, leading to high levels of stress, anxiety, and feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy.

4. People-pleasing tendencies

Adult children of narcissistic mothers often become people-pleasers, as they are constantly seeking approval and validation from others. Having been raised to believe that their worth is contingent upon their ability to satisfy their mother’s needs, a child may carry this toxic dynamic into other relationships, prioritizing the needs of others at the expense of their own well-being.

How to heal from narcissistic abuse

Recovering from the emotional abuse inflicted by a narcissistic mother is a long and difficult process, but it is possible with patience, self-awareness, and the right support.  Here are some key steps that can help adult children of narcissistic mothers move toward healthier emotional well-being and healing. 

1. Rebuild self-worth

Years of emotional abuse from a mother can take a toll on a child’s self-esteem. Rebuilding self-worth involves challenging the negative beliefs instilled by the mother’s narcissistic qualities and replacing them with positive affirmations revolving around self-respect and resilience. Furthermore, therapy can be a valuable tool in a person’s healing process, helping survivors of narcissistic abuse identify and overcome the internalized messages of inadequacy.

2. Set boundaries

Learning to set and enforce healthy boundaries is crucial for protecting oneself from further narcissistic manipulation, such as limiting contact with the narcissistic mother or cutting ties altogether. If maintaining contact is necessary, employing techniques like “grey rocking,” which includes remaining emotionally neutral and unresponsive, can help minimize opportunities for manipulation and prevent dangerous situations with the narcissist. 

3. Practice self-care

Healing from narcissistic abuse also involves prioritizing self-care, like engaging in activities that bring joy, relaxation, and a sense of fulfillment to a child of a narcissistic mother. These practices can help restore emotional balance and foster a stronger connection with oneself in order to fully heal. In particular, mindfulness practices, such as meditation or journaling, can be helpful for processing emotions and reducing stress.

4. Seek professional help 

Sometimes, a person might need more intensive help in their healing journey and might benefit from therapy. Therapy is often an essential component of healing from narcissistic abuse, as it can provide guidance on how to manage the complex emotions that arise from having been raised by a narcissistic parent, such as how to rebuild self-worth, set boundaries, and develop healthier relationship patterns.

How Charlie Health can help

If you or a loved one are struggling with a mental health condition, Charlie Health is here to help. Charlie Health’s virtual Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) provides more than once-weekly mental health treatment for dealing with serious mental health conditions, including trauma, narcissistic personality disorder, and more. Our expert clinicians incorporate evidence-based therapies into individual counseling, family therapy, and group sessions. With treatment, managing your mental health is possible. Fill out the form below or give us a call to start healing today.