Therapist-Approved Tips for Coping With a Narcissistic Parent

Expert-approved tips for how to cope with a narcissistic parent.

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Your parents—their attributes, experiences, and attitudes—have an immense impact on you. However, this isn’t always positive. Some parents may show narcissistic tendencies, making their child feel like they’re competing for attention or even blamed as the victim when things go wrong. Narcissistic parents may also view their child’s money, success, or even friends as extensions of their own self-image, rather than respecting them as parts of their child’s life.

It can be a deeply challenging experience if you have a narcissistic mother or a narcissistic father. But it helps to understand the signs of narcissism, its potential causes, and, critically, how you can get support. Read on to learn more about what causes a parent to act this way and what you can do about it.

What can cause a parent to exhibit narcissistic tendencies? 

The first thing to consider is why a parent acts this way. “Narcissistic parental behavior is not caused by a single factor, but rather a complex combination of genetic, environmental, and psychological influences,” says Charlie Health Group Facilitator Nicole Lonano, M.S. 

For instance, a parent’s narcissistic behavior might stem from adverse experiences in their own childhood. Charlie Health Group Facilitator Bree Williams, LPCA, notes that a parent might have developed these tendencies through childhood trauma, such as growing up in a household without validation or empathy. It could be compounded by their not having felt safe expressing any vulnerability or feeling like they must succeed at what their family decided for them in order to receive love. 

Charlie Health Licensed Creative Arts Therapist Courtney Way, MA, LCAT, seconds this: “Sometimes parents develop narcissistic traits in response to trauma and adapt it as a defense or protective mechanism.” When these behaviors are persistent, rigid, and significantly impact relationships, they can be a sign of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

Signs of narcissistic personality disorder in parents

Not everyone with narcissistic traits has NPD. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5), a person living with NPD might present with specific symptoms, including:

• Grandiose sense of self-importance 
• Preoccupation with fantasies of success, power, or brilliance
• Belief that they are “special” and can only be understood by or associated with other special or high-status people
• Require excessive admiration or attention
• Entitlement
• Exploitative behaviors
• Lack of empathy
• Envious toward others and believe that others feel that way toward them 
• Arrogance and haughty behaviors or attitudes

A narcissistic parent may show signs of the condition in particular ways. According to Way and Lonano, these include: 

• Invalidating their child’s emotions
• Demanding admiration and obedience
• Treating their child as an extension of themselves
• Ignoring their child’s achievements or autonomy
• Projecting their needs and wants onto their child
• Manipulating the narrative to maintain a specific public image of the family
• Showing little concern for their child’s feelings
• Having little to no respect for boundaries or their child in general
• Refusing to apologize to their child
• Responding to criticism with anger
• Engaging in emotional manipulation 

How narcissistic tendencies in parents impact children 

Children take so much from their parents, the good and the bad. They can experience a tremendous and negative impact if they have a narcissistic parent. According to Lonano, in the short term, this can look like low self-worth, emotional confusion, fear of abandonment, anxiety, and stress. 

These experiences can evolve into the child having difficulty creating an identity that’s separate from their narcissistic mother or father and what they expect from them, says Way. Long-term, Williams adds, they might struggle with forming healthy relationships, have feelings of shame or that they’re unworthy, and find it challenging to set boundaries. They can also experience an increased risk of mental health disorders or symptoms linked to depression, anxiety, and complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). 

What the child of narcissistic parents can do 

Being a child with a narcissistic parent is challenging, even more so if you live with them. To start, if this is your experience, you are not responsible for their behavior. The only person you can control is yourself. As Way puts it, “While children cannot change their parent’s behavior, and it isn’t their job to do so, they can learn to protect their emotional health within their capacity.”

With that in mind, here are ways you can take care of yourself if you have a narcissistic parent. 

1. Practice self-compassion

You do not deserve to be dismissed or belittled. You deserve to have your emotional needs met. It’s critical to, as much as you can, practice self-compassion toward yourself. “Remind yourself that your worth is not tied to your parent’s approval or expectations,” says Williams. 

According to Lonano, this process can also include taking steps to learn healthy emotional regulation and “creating an inner dialogue” about how your parent’s words are a reflection of their struggles. 

2. Set boundaries 

You deserve to have your boundaries respected. It doesn’t matter if you’re still living under your parent’s roof, have left for college, or live on your own. Determine what boundaries are most important to you, whether it’s what your parent can say to you or what they can comment on and express or demonstrate them as clearly as you can. If you live away from home, then you can also limit visits, says Williams. 

3. Join support groups

While it might be tricky to navigate under your parent’s eye, finding a support group can provide incredible solace. “Connecting with others who’ve experienced similar dynamics can provide validation and reduce feelings of isolation,” says Williams. 

You can also gain support from other adults in your life, whether it’s another parent, family member, teacher, therapist, or other trusted individual. 

4. Attend therapy

A certified therapist can provide validation, understanding, and coping mechanisms. They can also help you practice emotional regulation and other acts of self-care. 

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How Charlie Health can help 

If you or a loved one are struggling with narcissistic abuse or narcissistic personality disorder, Charlie Health is here to help. Charlie Health’s virtual Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) provides more than once-weekly mental health treatment for dealing with serious mental health conditions. Our expert clinicians incorporate evidence-based therapies into individual counseling, family therapy, and group sessions. With treatment, managing your well-being is possible. Fill out the form below or give us a call to start healing today.