What It Means to Have a BPD Favorite Person

What is borderline personality disorder?‍

​​Borderline personality disorder is a mental health condition that can make it challenging to maintain stable relationships. People with borderline personality disorder, or BPD, have trouble regulating emotions—which can affect how they feel about themselves and others.

In addition to mood swings and impulsive behaviors, BPD symptoms include:

• A pattern of unstable relationships with family and friends
• An intense fear of abandonment or rejection
• Lacking a strong sense of self or being overly self-critical
• Chronic feelings of emptiness
• Feeling paranoid, especially when stressed
• Changing values and goals
• Recurring suicidal thoughts or behaviors

What is a BPD favorite person?

Another hallmark of borderline personality disorder is having a favorite person—usually a family member, romantic partner, or someone in a supportive role, such as a teacher or coach. For someone with this type of BPD relationship, a “favorite person” is someone they rely on for comfort, happiness, and validation. The relationship with a BPD favorite person may start healthy, but it can often turn into a toxic love-hate cycle known as idealization and devaluation.

{{mid-page-newsletter}}

Why does this happen? Some research shows a link between childhood abuse and the development of personality disorders, like BPD, later in life. The theory is that people who develop BPD didn’t receive the support or acceptance they were looking for from caregivers, causing an intense need for validation later in life.

<blockquote class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-permalink="https://www.instagram.com/p/CoyKul0M2xq/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" data-instgrm-version="14" style=" background:#FFF; border:0; border-radius:3px; box-shadow:0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width:540px; min-width:326px; padding:0; width:99.375%; width:-webkit-calc(100% - 2px); width:calc(100% - 2px);"><div style="padding:16px;"><a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/CoyKul0M2xq/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" style=" background:#FFFFFF; line-height:0; padding:0 0; text-align:center; text-decoration:none; width:100%;" target="_blank"><div style=" display: flex; flex-direction: row; align-items: center;"><div style="background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 40px; margin-right: 14px; width: 40px;"></div><div style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center;"><div style=" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 100px;"></div><div style=" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 60px;"></div></div></div><div style="padding: 19% 0;"></div><div style="display:block; height:50px; margin:0 auto 12px; width:50px;"><svg width="50px" height="50px" viewBox="0 0 60 60" version="1.1" xmlns="https://www.w3.org/2000/svg" xmlns:xlink="https://www.w3.org/1999/xlink"><g stroke="none" stroke-width="1" fill="none" fill-rule="evenodd"><g transform="translate(-511.000000, -20.000000)" fill="#000000"><g><path d="M556.869,30.41 C554.814,30.41 553.148,32.076 553.148,34.131 C553.148,36.186 554.814,37.852 556.869,37.852 C558.924,37.852 560.59,36.186 560.59,34.131 C560.59,32.076 558.924,30.41 556.869,30.41 M541,60.657 C535.114,60.657 530.342,55.887 530.342,50 C530.342,44.114 535.114,39.342 541,39.342 C546.887,39.342 551.658,44.114 551.658,50 C551.658,55.887 546.887,60.657 541,60.657 M541,33.886 C532.1,33.886 524.886,41.1 524.886,50 C524.886,58.899 532.1,66.113 541,66.113 C549.9,66.113 557.115,58.899 557.115,50 C557.115,41.1 549.9,33.886 541,33.886 M565.378,62.101 C565.244,65.022 564.756,66.606 564.346,67.663 C563.803,69.06 563.154,70.057 562.106,71.106 C561.058,72.155 560.06,72.803 558.662,73.347 C557.607,73.757 556.021,74.244 553.102,74.378 C549.944,74.521 548.997,74.552 541,74.552 C533.003,74.552 532.056,74.521 528.898,74.378 C525.979,74.244 524.393,73.757 523.338,73.347 C521.94,72.803 520.942,72.155 519.894,71.106 C518.846,70.057 518.197,69.06 517.654,67.663 C517.244,66.606 516.755,65.022 516.623,62.101 C516.479,58.943 516.448,57.996 516.448,50 C516.448,42.003 516.479,41.056 516.623,37.899 C516.755,34.978 517.244,33.391 517.654,32.338 C518.197,30.938 518.846,29.942 519.894,28.894 C520.942,27.846 521.94,27.196 523.338,26.654 C524.393,26.244 525.979,25.756 528.898,25.623 C532.057,25.479 533.004,25.448 541,25.448 C548.997,25.448 549.943,25.479 553.102,25.623 C556.021,25.756 557.607,26.244 558.662,26.654 C560.06,27.196 561.058,27.846 562.106,28.894 C563.154,29.942 563.803,30.938 564.346,32.338 C564.756,33.391 565.244,34.978 565.378,37.899 C565.522,41.056 565.552,42.003 565.552,50 C565.552,57.996 565.522,58.943 565.378,62.101 M570.82,37.631 C570.674,34.438 570.167,32.258 569.425,30.349 C568.659,28.377 567.633,26.702 565.965,25.035 C564.297,23.368 562.623,22.342 560.652,21.575 C558.743,20.834 556.562,20.326 553.369,20.18 C550.169,20.033 549.148,20 541,20 C532.853,20 531.831,20.033 528.631,20.18 C525.438,20.326 523.257,20.834 521.349,21.575 C519.376,22.342 517.703,23.368 516.035,25.035 C514.368,26.702 513.342,28.377 512.574,30.349 C511.834,32.258 511.326,34.438 511.181,37.631 C511.035,40.831 511,41.851 511,50 C511,58.147 511.035,59.17 511.181,62.369 C511.326,65.562 511.834,67.743 512.574,69.651 C513.342,71.625 514.368,73.296 516.035,74.965 C517.703,76.634 519.376,77.658 521.349,78.425 C523.257,79.167 525.438,79.673 528.631,79.82 C531.831,79.965 532.853,80.001 541,80.001 C549.148,80.001 550.169,79.965 553.369,79.82 C556.562,79.673 558.743,79.167 560.652,78.425 C562.623,77.658 564.297,76.634 565.965,74.965 C567.633,73.296 568.659,71.625 569.425,69.651 C570.167,67.743 570.674,65.562 570.82,62.369 C570.966,59.17 571,58.147 571,50 C571,41.851 570.966,40.831 570.82,37.631"></path></g></g></g></svg></div><div style="padding-top: 8px;"><div style=" color:#3897f0; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; font-style:normal; font-weight:550; line-height:18px;">View this post on Instagram</div></div><div style="padding: 12.5% 0;"></div><div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row; margin-bottom: 14px; align-items: center;"><div><div style="background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 50%; height: 12.5px; width: 12.5px; transform: translateX(0px) translateY(7px);"></div><div style="background-color: #F4F4F4; height: 12.5px; transform: rotate(-45deg) translateX(3px) translateY(1px); width: 12.5px; flex-grow: 0; margin-right: 14px; margin-left: 2px;"></div><div style="background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 50%; height: 12.5px; width: 12.5px; transform: translateX(9px) translateY(-18px);"></div></div><div style="margin-left: 8px;"><div style=" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 20px; width: 20px;"></div><div style=" width: 0; height: 0; border-top: 2px solid transparent; border-left: 6px solid #f4f4f4; border-bottom: 2px solid transparent; transform: translateX(16px) translateY(-4px) rotate(30deg)"></div></div><div style="margin-left: auto;"><div style=" width: 0px; border-top: 8px solid #F4F4F4; border-right: 8px solid transparent; transform: translateY(16px);"></div><div style=" background-color: #F4F4F4; flex-grow: 0; height: 12px; width: 16px; transform: translateY(-4px);"></div><div style=" width: 0; height: 0; border-top: 8px solid #F4F4F4; border-left: 8px solid transparent; transform: translateY(-4px) translateX(8px);"></div></div></div><div style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center; margin-bottom: 24px;"><div style=" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 224px;"></div><div style=" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 144px;"></div></div></a><p style=" color:#c9c8cd; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; line-height:17px; margin-bottom:0; margin-top:8px; overflow:hidden; padding:8px 0 7px; text-align:center; text-overflow:ellipsis; white-space:nowrap;"><a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/CoyKul0M2xq/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" style=" color:#c9c8cd; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; font-style:normal; font-weight:normal; line-height:17px; text-decoration:none;" target="_blank">A post shared by Charlie Health (@charliehealth)</a></p></div></blockquote><script async src="//www.instagram.com/embed.js"></script>

‍

How do you know if you have a favorite person?

To start, you’ve been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. BPD is usually diagnosed in late adolescence or early adulthood and requires a thorough interview with a licensed mental health professional. Although less common, young people under 18 can be diagnosed if their symptoms persist for over a year.

Once a diagnosis has been established, there are a few red flags to be mindful of in any new or existing relationships. If you can relate to any of the following behaviors, you may have a BPD favorite person.

• You crave the other person’s attention and approval.
  To a certain extent, this is normal behavior—especially regarding relationships with parents or a romantic partner. However, someone with BPD wants and needs their favorite person’s attention. They expect their favorite person to always answer their phone calls, respond to their messages, and be excited to see them.
• You are eager to make them happy.
  Your favorite person becomes your most significant source of joy, and you do everything you can to make them happy. Consequently, you then demand that same type of love and attention from them in return.
• This person easily affects your mood.
  If you have a favorite person, your moods revolve around them and how they make you feel.
• You find yourself testing this person’s loyalty.
  Because you’ve centered your life around this other person, any slight (intentional or unintentional) can cause fear, anger, or a sense of instability. People with BPD have an inclination to test their favorite person’s loyalty by seeing how far they can push them before that person leaves—especially if others have abandoned them in the past.
• You lose your sense of self.
  Being overly self-critical and not having a strong sense of self are symptoms of BPD—and having a favorite person can shine a light on these issues. You might copy how your favorite person thinks and acts or disregard other plans to prioritize your favorite person.

<blockquote class="instagram-media" data-instgrm-permalink="https://www.instagram.com/p/CpLKv_IMIo5/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" data-instgrm-version="14" style=" background:#FFF; border:0; border-radius:3px; box-shadow:0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width:540px; min-width:326px; padding:0; width:99.375%; width:-webkit-calc(100% - 2px); width:calc(100% - 2px);"><div style="padding:16px;"><a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/CpLKv_IMIo5/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" style=" background:#FFFFFF; line-height:0; padding:0 0; text-align:center; text-decoration:none; width:100%;" target="_blank"><div style=" display: flex; flex-direction: row; align-items: center;"><div style="background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 40px; margin-right: 14px; width: 40px;"></div><div style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center;"><div style=" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 100px;"></div><div style=" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 60px;"></div></div></div><div style="padding: 19% 0;"></div><div style="display:block; height:50px; margin:0 auto 12px; width:50px;"><svg width="50px" height="50px" viewBox="0 0 60 60" version="1.1" xmlns="https://www.w3.org/2000/svg" xmlns:xlink="https://www.w3.org/1999/xlink"><g stroke="none" stroke-width="1" fill="none" fill-rule="evenodd"><g transform="translate(-511.000000, -20.000000)" fill="#000000"><g><path d="M556.869,30.41 C554.814,30.41 553.148,32.076 553.148,34.131 C553.148,36.186 554.814,37.852 556.869,37.852 C558.924,37.852 560.59,36.186 560.59,34.131 C560.59,32.076 558.924,30.41 556.869,30.41 M541,60.657 C535.114,60.657 530.342,55.887 530.342,50 C530.342,44.114 535.114,39.342 541,39.342 C546.887,39.342 551.658,44.114 551.658,50 C551.658,55.887 546.887,60.657 541,60.657 M541,33.886 C532.1,33.886 524.886,41.1 524.886,50 C524.886,58.899 532.1,66.113 541,66.113 C549.9,66.113 557.115,58.899 557.115,50 C557.115,41.1 549.9,33.886 541,33.886 M565.378,62.101 C565.244,65.022 564.756,66.606 564.346,67.663 C563.803,69.06 563.154,70.057 562.106,71.106 C561.058,72.155 560.06,72.803 558.662,73.347 C557.607,73.757 556.021,74.244 553.102,74.378 C549.944,74.521 548.997,74.552 541,74.552 C533.003,74.552 532.056,74.521 528.898,74.378 C525.979,74.244 524.393,73.757 523.338,73.347 C521.94,72.803 520.942,72.155 519.894,71.106 C518.846,70.057 518.197,69.06 517.654,67.663 C517.244,66.606 516.755,65.022 516.623,62.101 C516.479,58.943 516.448,57.996 516.448,50 C516.448,42.003 516.479,41.056 516.623,37.899 C516.755,34.978 517.244,33.391 517.654,32.338 C518.197,30.938 518.846,29.942 519.894,28.894 C520.942,27.846 521.94,27.196 523.338,26.654 C524.393,26.244 525.979,25.756 528.898,25.623 C532.057,25.479 533.004,25.448 541,25.448 C548.997,25.448 549.943,25.479 553.102,25.623 C556.021,25.756 557.607,26.244 558.662,26.654 C560.06,27.196 561.058,27.846 562.106,28.894 C563.154,29.942 563.803,30.938 564.346,32.338 C564.756,33.391 565.244,34.978 565.378,37.899 C565.522,41.056 565.552,42.003 565.552,50 C565.552,57.996 565.522,58.943 565.378,62.101 M570.82,37.631 C570.674,34.438 570.167,32.258 569.425,30.349 C568.659,28.377 567.633,26.702 565.965,25.035 C564.297,23.368 562.623,22.342 560.652,21.575 C558.743,20.834 556.562,20.326 553.369,20.18 C550.169,20.033 549.148,20 541,20 C532.853,20 531.831,20.033 528.631,20.18 C525.438,20.326 523.257,20.834 521.349,21.575 C519.376,22.342 517.703,23.368 516.035,25.035 C514.368,26.702 513.342,28.377 512.574,30.349 C511.834,32.258 511.326,34.438 511.181,37.631 C511.035,40.831 511,41.851 511,50 C511,58.147 511.035,59.17 511.181,62.369 C511.326,65.562 511.834,67.743 512.574,69.651 C513.342,71.625 514.368,73.296 516.035,74.965 C517.703,76.634 519.376,77.658 521.349,78.425 C523.257,79.167 525.438,79.673 528.631,79.82 C531.831,79.965 532.853,80.001 541,80.001 C549.148,80.001 550.169,79.965 553.369,79.82 C556.562,79.673 558.743,79.167 560.652,78.425 C562.623,77.658 564.297,76.634 565.965,74.965 C567.633,73.296 568.659,71.625 569.425,69.651 C570.167,67.743 570.674,65.562 570.82,62.369 C570.966,59.17 571,58.147 571,50 C571,41.851 570.966,40.831 570.82,37.631"></path></g></g></g></svg></div><div style="padding-top: 8px;"><div style=" color:#3897f0; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; font-style:normal; font-weight:550; line-height:18px;">View this post on Instagram</div></div><div style="padding: 12.5% 0;"></div><div style="display: flex; flex-direction: row; margin-bottom: 14px; align-items: center;"><div><div style="background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 50%; height: 12.5px; width: 12.5px; transform: translateX(0px) translateY(7px);"></div><div style="background-color: #F4F4F4; height: 12.5px; transform: rotate(-45deg) translateX(3px) translateY(1px); width: 12.5px; flex-grow: 0; margin-right: 14px; margin-left: 2px;"></div><div style="background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 50%; height: 12.5px; width: 12.5px; transform: translateX(9px) translateY(-18px);"></div></div><div style="margin-left: 8px;"><div style=" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 20px; width: 20px;"></div><div style=" width: 0; height: 0; border-top: 2px solid transparent; border-left: 6px solid #f4f4f4; border-bottom: 2px solid transparent; transform: translateX(16px) translateY(-4px) rotate(30deg)"></div></div><div style="margin-left: auto;"><div style=" width: 0px; border-top: 8px solid #F4F4F4; border-right: 8px solid transparent; transform: translateY(16px);"></div><div style=" background-color: #F4F4F4; flex-grow: 0; height: 12px; width: 16px; transform: translateY(-4px);"></div><div style=" width: 0; height: 0; border-top: 8px solid #F4F4F4; border-left: 8px solid transparent; transform: translateY(-4px) translateX(8px);"></div></div></div><div style="display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center; margin-bottom: 24px;"><div style=" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 224px;"></div><div style=" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 144px;"></div></div></a><p style=" color:#c9c8cd; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; line-height:17px; margin-bottom:0; margin-top:8px; overflow:hidden; padding:8px 0 7px; text-align:center; text-overflow:ellipsis; white-space:nowrap;"><a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/CpLKv_IMIo5/?utm_source=ig_embed&amp;utm_campaign=loading" style=" color:#c9c8cd; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; font-style:normal; font-weight:normal; line-height:17px; text-decoration:none;" target="_blank">A post shared by Charlie Health (@charliehealth)</a></p></div></blockquote><script async src="//www.instagram.com/embed.js"></script>

‍

Am I someone else’s favorite person?

On the flip side, maybe you’re someone’s favorite person. At first, this might not seem like a big deal—it might even be flattering—but as time goes on, harmful partners can emerge. Below are several signs that you might be someone's favorite person.

• You're their first point of contact for good news, bad news, and everything in between.
• They’re jealous of your other relationships, activities, or events that don't include them.
• They're often in crisis and depend on you for advice, guidance, or reassurance.
• They have a constant fear that you’ll abandon them.
• You feel responsible for their decisions and changes in mood.

Tips for maintaining a healthy favorite person relationship

Being in a favorite person relationship can become all-consuming—both for the person living with BPD and their favorite person. Fortunately, there are several tips to help find balance for a healthier relationship.  

Advice for people with BPD

• Prioritize clear communication
  If you know you have a favorite person, it’s appropriate to let them know. By educating them about BPD and what it means to be a favorite person, they’ll better understand potential mood swings and be better equipped to support your healing journey.
• Remember to focus on other people
  For people with BPD, their favorite person often becomes priority number one. Other people, responsibilities, and habits take a backseat when this happens. This is a reminder to nurture the different parts of your life.
• Accept that you can't control other people
  There will inevitably be times when your favorite person disappoints you or neglects your needs. This may be upsetting, but no relationship is perfect, and your favorite won’t always be able to provide what you're looking for.
• Your (mental) health is wealth.
  The majority of people with BPD (84.5 percent) have a co-occurring condition, such as an anxiety disorder, mood disorder, or another personality disorder. When you prioritize your mental health, you’re better equipped to have healthy relationships.

Advice for favorite people

• Set healthy boundaries. It might feel like your friend or loved one wants to spend all their time with you. Setting physical and emotional boundaries is one of the best ways to avoid a codependent dynamic and maintain a more balanced relationship.
• Avoid secrets and lies. Being someone's favorite person can be a lot of pressure. You might be tempted to bend the truth or make promises you can't keep, but honesty is always the best policy.

How is borderline personality disorder treated?

According to the National Institutes of Health (NIH), talk therapy is considered the first-line treatment for people with borderline personality disorder and other personality disorders. Research suggests that it’s one of the most effective ways to help individuals learn to manage difficult emotions, improve self-control, and build healthier relationships.

{{mid-page-cta="/dev-resources/staging"}}

Specific treatment depends on each person, but therapists often suggest the following types of therapy for treating borderline personality disorder.

• Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). Through individual therapy, skills training, and supported groups, dialectical behavior therapy is designed to help people regulate emotions and manage suicidal thoughts. DBT offers people a chance to learn mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotional regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness skills.
• Mentalization-based therapy. According to the American Psychological Association, mentalization is “the ability to understand one’s own and others’ mental states, thereby comprehending one’s own and others’ intentions and effects.” Mentalization-based therapy helps people to understand emotions better, both their own and other people’s, and how they affect their actions.
• Schema-focused therapy. This integrative therapeutic approach encourages people to reflect on how any unmet needs in childhood may have impacted their way of thinking and behaving later in life.

Explore personality disorder treatment options with Charlie Health

If you currently have a favorite person or any other symptom of borderline personality disorder, there are treatment options to help you manage the condition. Charlie Health’s virtual intensive outpatient program (IOP) provides personalized mental health treatment for teens, young adults, and families dealing with mental health struggles, such as BPD.

Our intensive outpatient treatment programs provide a high-quality, comprehensive treatment solution that includes group, family, and individual therapy. Our compassionate, experienced team of clinicians is here to listen to your needs, answer their questions, and help start the healing process.‍

Contact Charlie Health today.