What Do Narcissistic Fathers Say to Their Children?

Recognizing the harmful things your narcissistic father says can help you set healthy boundaries and reclaim your self-worth.

Narcissistic fathers, driven by their own unmet needs for validation and control, often use manipulative and hurtful language that severely impacts their child’s self-esteem and mental health. These narcissistic traits, often stemming from a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), are designed to assert dominance and feed a person’s inflated sense of self-worth. Understanding how common phrases from narcissistic fathers affect young and adult children, and learning how to navigate being raised around narcissistic behavior is important for a person to develop their emotional resilience and start healing from the pain caused by narcissistic abuse. Keep reading to learn common things narcissistic fathers say — and what to do about it. 

Common phrases narcissistic fathers use

A narcissistic dad often communicates in ways that belittle, dismiss, or control their child. These conniving phrases are meant to shift blame, produce self-doubting thoughts, and assert authority, lacking the empathy needed to care about how what they’re saying affects their child’s feelings. Here are some common phrases used by a narcissistic father to manipulate a child’s emotions, reinforce control, and maintain the narcissistic supply they crave. 

1. “You’re too sensitive” 

A phrase such as this is used by narcissistic fathers to invalidate their child’s feelings. By calling attention to their sensitivity, this phrase commonly invalidates a child’s feelings through dismissing their emotional responses, making them question whether or not they’re allowed to have certain feelings. Additionally, the narcissist encourages their child to suppress their emotions, believing that their feelings are irrational or exaggerated.

2. “You’ll never be good enough” 

Directly attacking a person’s sense of competence and value, this damaging phrase is meant to diminish their self-worth and leave them feeling inadequate no matter how hard they try to please their narcissist father. A message such as this is especially harmful as it creates a revolving cycle of the child continually seeking approval from a narcissistic dad who is unlikely to ever provide it, contributing to long lasting emotional abuse and low self esteem. 

3. “After everything I’ve done for you” 

This manipulative phrase is a guilt-inducing tactic that reframes a narcissistic father’s expectations as a form of generosity, minimizing and invalidating their child’s needs. and emphasizing the father’s perceived sacrifices. As a type of emotional blackmail, this makes the child feel obligated to comply with their abusive parent due to the great “sacrifices” he has made, regardless of their feelings.

4. “You’re lucky I put up with you”

Similarly to the prior common phrases, this one actively seeks to weaken a child’s value, reinforcing the idea that their very existence is a burden. A child in this circumstance is placed in the destructive position of constantly striving for their narcissistic father’s approval, believing they must work hard just to be tolerated. This emotional whiplash can lead to long-term feelings of unworthiness and develop into anxiety.

Effects of narcissistic parenting on children

Repeated exposure to these damaging statements can profoundly impact a child’s emotional and psychological development. Narcissistic parenting, characterized by emotional abuse and manipulation, often stays with a person throughout their life and can lead to several mental health disorders, such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), depression, and chronic anxiety disorders as a coping mechanism. Constant criticism, belittlement, and devaluation cause children to internalize feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness, affecting their self-perception and confidence.

Furthermore, children of narcissistic parents often experience significantly low self esteem and self-doubt due to the constant twisting of reality to serve the toxic parent’s needs. A narcissist’s reality often manipulates their child into feeling guilty and responsible for their father’s behavior creating an environment of chronic confusion.

How to heal from narcissistic abuse

For many children of narcissistic parenting, the damaging emotional effects can linger well into adulthood. Many adult children of narcissistic fathers fall into patterns of people-pleasing or finding themselves in emotionally manipulative dynamics, resulting in long-term mental health struggles, like borderline personality disorder and difficulty with emotional regulation. The unresolved childhood trauma stemming from a father’s narcissistic behavior can perpetuate a long cycle of self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy. However, healing is possible. Here are four important steps that are crucial to begin healing from a narcissistic father’s abuse.

1. Acknowledge the abuse

Recognizing and validating a person’s experience with a narcissistic father as abuse is an important first step to healing. Many people have a hard time understanding narcissistic abuse as a real thing, and accepting that such abuse was not their fault, but this awareness is needed for moving forward and breaking the cycle of self-blame.

2. Re-build self esteem

The continuous erosion of self-worth due to narcissistic abuse makes it challenging for a person to rebuild their self-esteem. By practicing positive affirmations, such as reframing negative self-talk and affirming one’s inherent value, a greater ability to have self-compassion is established. Engaging in empowering activities, hobbies, and creative outlets can also foster a sense of accomplishment and personal growth.

3. Limit or cut contact 

If possible, limiting or completely cutting contact with one’s narcissistic father is a way to avoid further manipulation and gives a person the space needed to heal without the presence of their father. If cutting contact is not feasible, remaining emotionally neutral and unresponsive (also known as the “grey rock” techniques) helps to minimize conflict and manipulative situations.

4. Practice self-care

Lastly, healing from narcissistic abuse involves prioritizing self-care to nurture a person’s mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Incorporating mindfulness practices, such as, meditation and deep breathing exercises to reduce stress and anxiety, journaling to process emotions, and activities that bring people joy and relaxation, are useful strategies to restore balance within a person’s connection to themself and help throughout the healing process.

How Charlie Health can help

If you or a loved one are struggling with a mental health condition, Charlie Health is here to help. Charlie Health’s virtual Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) provides more than once-weekly mental health treatment for dealing with serious mental health conditions, including trauma, narcissistic personality disorder, and more. Our expert clinicians incorporate evidence-based therapies into individual counseling, family therapy, and group sessions. With treatment, managing your mental health is possible. Fill out the form below or give us a call to start healing today.