Why Do I Keep Attracting Toxic People? (And How to Finally Break the Cycle)

Discover why you’re drawn to toxic or emotionally unavailable people—and how to start building healthier, lasting relationships based on true connection and self-awareness.

Do you feel like you’re stuck in the same relationship loop, dating the wrong people over and over again, or starting friendships with people who don’t feel you well? You tell yourself this time you’ll avoid the red flags of toxic behavior, and yet, every new relationship feels like déjà vu: the same heartache, the same low self-esteem, the same emotional unavailability—just with a different face. You may even wonder: Am I cursed in love? Why do I attract toxic people? Am I doing something wrong?

Here’s the truth: If you’re caught in a cycle of emotionally unfulfilling or toxic relationships throughout your life, you’re not alone—and you’re not broken. But there is a reason it keeps happening. And more importantly, there’s a way to stop it. This guide will help you identify the signs of toxic relationships, understand why you’re drawn to toxic people, and show you how to start choosing healthier relationships and secure love.

What is a toxic relationship?

Before you can change your relationship patterns, it’s essential to understand what a toxic relationship really looks like. The word “toxic” is often overused, but true toxicity in a relationship goes beyond the occasional argument or emotional misstep. 

A toxic relationship is one where there’s a consistent pattern of emotional harm, disrespect, manipulation, blame, and emotional neglect. You feel unseen, unheard, and undervalued, often questioning your self-worth and judgment. Common signs of a toxic partner or toxic friend include:

• Dismissing your feelings and making you feel like your needs don’t matter
• Criticizing, gaslighting, or making you feel like you’re “too much”
• Withholding support during difficult times and minimizing your struggles
• Communicating with defensiveness, judgment, or emotional immaturity
• Holding grudges and using past mistakes against you
• Making you feel like you’re walking on eggshells to avoid conflict

Why you keep falling for emotionally unavailable people

Many people don’t intentionally choose toxic partners—they feel drawn to them. And that pull isn’t random; it often comes from unresolved emotional wounds and early attachment experiences.

You might unconsciously chase love that resembles what felt familiar growing up. If you had caregivers who were inconsistent, unavailable, or emotionally immature, you may have learned to associate love with unpredictability or emotional chasing. This creates a subconscious template for your adult relationships.

Psychologists call this repetition compulsion—the tendency to recreate unresolved childhood dynamics in an attempt to master them. You keep dating people who trigger the same core wounds, hoping the outcome will finally be different. But instead of healing, it keeps the pain alive.

You may even idealize your partner’s potential, ignoring the reality of how they make you feel in the present. Narcissists are particularly prone to taking advantage of a relationship dynamic, manipulating it to their benefit. A person will bend, accommodate, and suppress their own needs in an attempt to earn love from the toxic person, just like they may have done in the past.

And if you have a history of being praised for being low-maintenance, selfless, or “the strong one,” it might feel easier to stay quiet and keep the peace than to ask for what you truly want. But love that costs you your voice isn’t love—it’s erasure.

How attachment styles drive relationship patterns 

Your attachment style plays a significant role in your romantic choices. If you have an anxious attachment style, you’re more likely to be drawn to avoidant partners who struggle with emotional intimacy and tend to pull away just when you need closeness.

This anxious-avoidant pairing is common but deeply destabilizing. It creates a push-pull dynamic that keeps you constantly guessing, craving reassurance, and blaming yourself when the relationship doesn’t feel secure.

It’s not that you’re attracted to chaos—it’s that chaos feels familiar. And in psychology, familiarity breeds attraction. This is known as the mere exposure effect, a cognitive bias where the brain prefers what it recognizes, even if what it recognizes is harmful.

You might say you want safety and support, but unconsciously seek out intensity and longing because that’s what love has always felt like. You have a tendency to be the people pleaser in your relationship dynamic. To truly break the cycle, you have to redefine what “chemistry” means. Real chemistry isn’t anxiety—it’s connection.

How to identify your dating patterns

To stop attracting toxic relationships, you have to first uncover the patterns that are keeping you stuck.

Start by reflecting on your dating history. Journaling can help bring hidden themes to light. Consider the following prompts:

• What kinds of people are you consistently drawn to?
• Are there qualities you romanticize that tend to backfire?
• Do your past partners remind you of anyone from your family or childhood?
• What were the early red flags that you ignored or rationalized?
• How did the relationship typically end, and what did you learn?
• Did you compromise on your needs to keep the relationship going?

You might notice that you were always the giver, while your partners were emotionally detached or inconsistent. You may have stayed hoping they would change, or believed that if you loved them enough, things would get better. That’s not love—it’s survival disguised as devotion.

And it’s worth asking: Would I still be interested in this person if they were emotionally available from the start? Sometimes, what keeps you hooked is the pursuit, not the person.

How to stop repeating the same relationship mistakes

Once you understand your patterns, the next step is learning how to disrupt them. Here’s how to start breaking free:

1. Trust your gut (even when it’s inconvenient)

If something feels off early in the relationship, pay attention. Your body often picks up on red flags before your mind does. If you feel anxious, uncertain, or like you can’t be your full self around them, believe that feeling. You’re not being “too sensitive.” You’re being wise.

2. Date outside your type

If your usual “type” keeps leading to heartbreak, it’s time to expand beyond what feels familiar. Look for qualities like emotional availability, honesty, empathy, and consistency. These traits may feel boring at first, but they’re the foundation of healthy love.

3. Practice boundaries early and often

Speak up for your needs and observe how your partner responds. A healthy person will welcome your honesty, not punish you for it. If they dismiss, guilt-trip, or gaslight you when you express yourself, that’s a sign to leave, not stay and explain more.

4. Be compassionate towards yourself

And while it can be painful to admit you’ve chosen the wrong people, it’s also empowering—because it means you can start choosing differently. Remember: awareness is powerful, but compassion is essential. You’re not stupid for staying. You weren’t weak for loving them. You were doing your best with what you knew at the time.

5. Stay connected to people who ground you

When you’re dating, check in with trusted friends or family. They can offer a clearer perspective when you’re swept up in infatuation. Sometimes the people who love you most can see what you’re struggling to admit.

6. Work with a therapist

If you feel stuck in patterns you can’t break, a therapist can help. Look for someone who specializes in attachment styles, trauma, or relationship dynamics. Remember: toxic exes, emotionally unavailable partners, and unhealed patterns are not reflections of your worth. They’re mirrors, showing you the parts of yourself still longing to be seen, soothed, and chosen.

Therapy gives you tools to understand your triggers, regulate your emotions, and rebuild your sense of self.

How Charlie Health can help

If you or a loved one is attracting toxic people and want to stop, Charlie Health is here to help. Charlie Health’s virtual Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) provides more than once-weekly mental health treatment for dealing with serious mental health conditions, including toxic relationships, childhood trauma, and more. Our expert clinicians incorporate evidence-based therapies into person counseling, family therapy, and group sessions. With treatment, managing toxic relationships and other mental health concerns is possible. Fill out the form below or give us a call to start healing today.