What Narcissistic Gaslighting Looks Like, According to Therapists

Narcissistic gaslighting can occur in all types of relationships and take away a person’s sense of reality, self-esteem, and well-being.

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Narcissism and gaslighting can go hand in hand, as a person with narcissistic tendencies often also depends on manipulation to maintain control and protect their self-image — a tactic known as narcissistic gaslighting. “Narcissistic gaslighting occurs when a narcissistic individual manipulates someone into questioning their own reality, memory, or perception,” says Charlie Health Contemplative Practitioner Tairesha “Sunflower” Flemister, LMSW.

While narcissist gaslighting is often thought of in the context of a romantic relationship, you can also be gaslighted by a narcissistic parent, friend, or boss. In fact, identifying narcissistic behavior is relatively consistent across each type of toxic relationship. Read on to learn how a gaslighting narcissist might act — and how to cope if you’re experiencing it.

Signs of narcissistic gaslighting

It’s critical to remember that “gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse,” says Charlie Health Group Facilitator Nicole Lonano, MS. Charlie Health Group Facilitator Chris Hinton, MS, M.Ed., LPC, CLC, CTP, describes narcissistic gaslighting as a tactic whereby somebody manipulates reality to defend their ego and causes others to doubt their own perception or sanity.

Narcissistic gaslighting specifically refers to this kind of manipulation when it’s used by someone with narcissistic traits or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). According to Charlie Health Creative Arts Therapist Courtney Way, MA, LCAT, narcissism is often characterized by a sense of superiority, a need for admiration, a lack of empathy, and preoccupation with success, power, and entitlement. A person might exhibit occasional narcissistic tendencies, meet the clinical criteria for NPD, or fall somewhere in between.

The thing with narcissistic personalities is that no two people are exactly alike, so narcissistic gaslighting can show up in many different ways — including the following:

1. Controlling behavior

One of the reasons a narcissist might, subconsciously or not, be gaslighting someone is to maintain control. In making someone doubt themselves and lowering their self-esteem, the gaslighter has more opportunities to take control and “guide” them.

2. Blame shifting

A person experiencing gaslighting might find themselves regularly apologizing, even when they’ve done nothing wrong. As Flemister explains, someone living with NPD is not likely to take responsibility for their actions. Instead, they often blame the other person for anything that goes wrong, regardless of who is at fault. They might also project things they do (manipulation, selfishness) onto the other person. This shift can leave the gaslighted individual feeling responsible for anything that occurs, says Lonano. 

3. Denying or twisting the truth 

So much of gaslighting is one person trying to convince the other that their recall isn’t accurate. To this end, Flemister says that a person living with NPD might deny things they or other people said, give false information, and take further measures to have the person doubt what they experienced. 

4. Invalidating feelings

A person exhibiting narcissism is not likely one who will take another person’s emotions into account or listen with care. Instead, they typically invalidate a person’s feelings and opinions, claiming they’re overreacting, says Flemister. Also, a gaslighter might criticize or belittle the other person, making them doubt themselves. 

Causes of narcissistic gaslighting 

The answer to why narcissistic gaslighting occurs can vary from person to person. However, there are a few potential reasons. For example, as Way says, “When someone who is narcissistic feels threatened or that they may be accused or are wrong, they will often gaslight to protect themselves and make themselves feel better.” 

According to Hinton, other reasons a person might exhibit narcissistic gaslighting include:

• Protecting a fragile ego
• Fulfilling a craving for control and power
• Echoing a learned behavior first exhibited by dysfunctional family members 
• Responding to having had narcissistic or emotionally unavailable caregivers
• Avoiding accountability 
• Coping with life

These potential “whys” are not to say that any form of narcissistic gaslighting is acceptable or that having previous difficult experiences forgives a person’s current actions. It’s solely to explain reasons why a person living with NPD might exhibit gaslighting behaviors.

How to cope with narcissistic gaslighting

Everyone will cope with and heal differently from experiencing narcissistic gaslighting. “To cope, remember your feelings are valid, seek help from a professional, acknowledge their behavior, establish boundaries, and document these situations,” says Way. When broken down, that advice starts with understanding what’s happening.

1. Recognize what’s happening

One of the most significant aspects of gaslighting is trying to hide the truth. So, it’s critical that you “pay attention to the constant manipulation, denial of reality, and shifts in blame,” says Flemister. “Learning to identify gaslighting behaviors is the first step to breaking free.” 

Lonano encourages you to trust your instincts if something feels off or you notice that you keep second-guessing yourself. 

2. Record everything

Flemister also suggests keeping records of events, conversations, and other interactions to maintain a clear idea of the truth.

Hinton seconds this, “Ways to cope when experiencing narcissistic gaslighting can include things like keeping a reality journal and writing down conversations, events, or keeping notes with feelings about things as soon as possible.” 

3. Establish boundaries

Setting boundaries is very difficult to achieve but is critical to ending gaslighting. Lonano recommends enforcing rigid boundaries and limiting contact when necessary.

4. Seek support

A trusted friend, family member, and a certified mental health professional can all provide incredible support and validation if you’re experiencing gaslighting. A therapist can help you recognize abusive behavior and what a gaslighting tactic looks like. “Working with a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse or emotional manipulation can be helpful for healing and developing coping strategies,” says Flemister.  

One of the most beneficial options available is trauma-informed therapy, including techniques such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), and eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), says Hinton. 

In specific cases, you might consider attending couples therapy. However, Flemister cautions that this can only be effective if both individuals are genuinely willing to work on things, not just the person experiencing gaslighting. As she explains, “This is often difficult with narcissistic behavior and should be approached cautiously.” Couples therapy is not meant to heal an abusive relationship. Instead, it could help shine a light on manipulative behavior and make you realize — in the presence of someone who can validate the truth — that you’re in a narcissistic relationship. 

How Charlie Health can help

If you or a loved one are struggling with narcissistic traits or are healing from experiencing narcissistic gaslighting, Charlie Health is here to help. Charlie Health’s virtual Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) provides mental health treatment for people dealing with serious mental health conditions, including anxiety, trauma, depression, and more. Our expert clinicians incorporate evidence-based therapies into individual counseling, family therapy, and group sessions. With support, managing your mental health is possible. Fill out the form below or give us a call to start healing today.