How Can You Co-Parent with a Narcissist?

Are you trying to co-parent with a narcissist? You might need more support. Read on to learn how to navigate the struggles of co-parenting with a narcissist.

Navigating co-parenting can be a challenging journey for any parent, but when one of the parents has narcissistic traits or suffers from narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), it can be an incredibly difficult and stressful experience. When co-parenting with a narcissist, it’s common for manipulation, emotional abuse, and control issues to arise. However, with the right strategies and understanding, creating a healthier environment for children and a parent themself is possible. Here are some of the challenges of co-parenting with a narcissist, some of the common traits to look out for, and how to set healthy boundaries to create a manageable co-parenting relationship.

What is narcissistic parenting?

Narcissistic parenting is characterized by a self-centered approach, where the parent prioritizes their own needs, desires, and image over their child’s emotional and psychological well-being. Narcissistic parents often exhibit behaviors that lack empathy, and their focus is typically on maintaining control rather than having their child’s best interest in mind. 

When dealing with one narcissistic parent in a co-parenting arrangement can lead to power struggles, emotional manipulation, and a strained relationship between both parents. As a result, these behaviors may impact the child’s sense of security and emotional health, complicating the co-parenting relationship further.

Narcissistic traits in co-parenting

In a co-parenting relationship, particularly when the end of the relationship was due to one parent’s narcissistic tendencies, it’s important to recognize the traits that can make the experience especially difficult. Here are some of the signs that commonly appear in a narcissistic co-parenting situation.

1. Lack of empathy

Narcissistic parents may dismiss or invalidate their child’s emotions, making the child feel unimportant or misunderstood. This lack of empathy can cause the child to question their own feelings, leading to confusion and difficulty forming healthy emotional connections later in life. Over time, this emotional neglect can erode the child’s self-esteem and create lasting psychological effects, making it harder for them to trust others or feel secure in their relationships. 

2. Need for control

A narcissistic parent will often believe they know what’s best for the child, disregarding the other parent’s input or perspective. This desire for control can manifest in situations where the narcissistic parent constantly challenges or undermines decisions made by the other parent, whether it’s about the child’s education, health care, or social activities. The constant power struggle not only creates tension but can also confuse the child, as they may feel torn between two conflicting authorities. 

Ultimately, this undermines the child’s ability to develop a sense of autonomy and security, as they are caught in the middle of a battle for control. 

3. Manipulation and gaslighting

Narcissists are experts at manipulating situations to serve their own needs, often using guilt, shame, or lies to distort reality. In a co-parenting situation, this can result in the narcissistic parent portraying themselves as the victim or hero while making the other parent seem inadequate or unreasonable. They may try to distort facts or exaggerate minor issues to gain sympathy or sway others, including the child, to see things from their perspective. 

This can create confusion for the child, who may struggle to trust their own experiences or sense of right and wrong. The constant manipulation undermines the trust between parents and can make it nearly impossible to reach mutually beneficial decisions. 

4. Parental alienation

Furthermore, narcissistic parents often use subtle or overt tactics to manipulate the child’s perception of the other parent, causing the child to feel conflicted or hostile toward them. This can include speaking negatively about the other parent, spreading false information, or even blaming them for conflicts. In some cases, the narcissist may use guilt or fear to force the child to take sides, creating a wedge between the child and the alienated parent. 

The emotional toll of parental alienation can lead to deep psychological scars, leaving the child with feelings of betrayal, confusion, and insecurity. Over time, this strain can cause long-term damage to the child’s ability to trust and form healthy relationships. 

The impact of narcissistic parenting on children

Children of narcissistic parents often face significant emotional and psychological challenges, as these parents may not provide the emotional nurturing required for healthy development. As the child grows up, they may have severely affected self-esteem, mental health, and overall well-being.

When the narcissistic parent is involved in a co-parenting relationship, the child might experience even more confusion or distress, especially if the narcissist uses manipulation or emotional abuse. Children may feel caught between the two parents, forced to choose sides, or endure emotional turmoil. The goal is to provide the child with a sense of safety and stability, which is made harder when they are dealing with a parent who might not care about that.

What is parallel parenting? 

Parallel parenting can play a very important role in co-parenting with a narcissist. This approach minimizes communication between parents to reduce conflict, allowing both parents to focus on their individual responsibilities without interference from the other parent. A detailed parenting plan is crucial for parallel parenting, as it sets clear boundaries and reduces the chances of emotional manipulation or power struggles.

Creating a parenting plan with a narcissist

A structured parenting plan is essential when co-parenting with a narcissist, as it provides structure and sets clear expectations for both parents. A detailed and well-defined plan can minimize confusion and reduce the opportunity for conflict. Here are the key elements that should be included in a strong parenting plan.

1. Communication and boundaries

Since narcissistic parents often attempt to manipulate or control communication, it’s essential to limit direct contact. Using a co-parenting app or online tool can help facilitate communication in a neutral, documented way. This reduces emotional manipulation and provides a written record of all exchanges. A parenting plan should include guidelines for communication, ensuring that any interactions focus on the child’s well-being rather than personal conflict. Keep all conversations respectful and focused on the child’s needs, and avoid engaging in emotional debates.

2. Putting the child’s best interests first

The ultimate goal of a parenting plan is to prioritize the child’s emotional, psychological, and physical needs. Since the narcissistic parent may try to focus on their own needs or desires rather than their child’s, it’s important to always ensure that decisions are made with the child’s best interests in mind. This might involve limiting contact with the narcissistic parent if their behavior poses a risk to the child’s safety or well-being.

How to deal with legal challenges

Co-parenting often comes with legal issues, particularly around child custody and child support, even more so when there is a threat to a child’s safety. Narcissistic parents may fight fiercely for custody, not necessarily because they care for the child, but because they desire control. These are two important tips for navigating legal challenges during this time. 

1. Seek legal advice

When facing a legal dispute with a narcissistic ex, it’s crucial to consult with a family law attorney who understands how to navigate the complexities of a custody agreement involving narcissistic parents. The court will prioritize the child’s best interests when making decisions while also taking into account any behaviors that may harm the child, such as emotional abuse or manipulation. An attorney can also advocate for protective measures, such as supervised visitation or limited contact, if the narcissistic parent’s behavior poses a threat to the child’s well-being.

2. Documenting everything

Another important factor when dealing with a narcissistic ex is documentation of everything. It’s important to record every interaction, whether it’s in person, via text, email, or phone calls, as narcissists often attempt to distort the truth or deny their actions. Additionally, keeping a detailed journal of dates, times, and specific behaviors can serve as crucial evidence in proving patterns of emotional abuse or manipulation. The more thorough and consistent the documentation, the stronger the case will be when presenting it to legal professionals or in family court.

Maintaining a healthy co-parenting relationship

Ultimately, the goal of co-parenting is to create a stable and nurturing environment for a child despite the challenges of dealing with one parent being a narcissist or having narcissistic tendencies. With a well-structured parenting arrangement, a focus on a child’s needs, and a commitment to protecting the mental health of the child as well as the non-narcissistic parent, it’s possible to manage the co-parenting relationship and create a healthy future for the child.

By remaining firm in boundaries, using tools like co-parenting apps, and ensuring that all decisions prioritize the child’s well-being, a parent can create a sense of stability amidst the chaos. Co-parenting with a narcissist is undoubtedly difficult, but with patience, support, and the right strategies, it is possible to build a healthier, more peaceful environment for a child’s growth and development.

How Charlie Health can help

If you or a loved one are struggling with narcissism or parenting, Charlie Health is here to help. Charlie Health’s virtual Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) provides more than once-weekly mental health treatment for dealing with serious mental health conditions, including anxiety, depression, personality disorders, and more. Our expert clinicians incorporate evidence-based therapies into individual counseling, family therapy, and group sessions. With treatment, managing your mental health is possible. Fill out the form below or give us a call to start healing today.