What You Should Know About Disorganized Attachment, According to Therapists

Do you crave emotional closeness but struggle with trust and fear of abandonment? You may have a disorganized attachment style—here’s what therapists think you should know about this attachment style.

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In an ideal world, everyone would feel like they have a secure relationship with easy closeness, emotional intimacy, and healthy behavior. But many people experience scary, intense feelings and struggle with trust in a relationship. In part, this can stem from childhood trauma and difficult experiences impacting adult relationships.  

These feelings can indicate a disorganized attachment style, also known as a fearful-avoidant one. “Often, they want to belong and be a part of a relationship and feel loved, but struggle to let anyone in because they fear they will be abandoned or hurt,” says Charlie Health Creative Arts Therapist Courtney Way, MA, LCAT. Read on to learn more about what causes disorganized attachment, how it affects relationships, and strategies for building healthier connections.

Signs of a disorganized attachment style

According to Way and Charlie Health Contemplative Practitioner Tairesha “Sunflower” Flemister, LMSW, signs of a disorganized attachment style include: 

• Fear of abandonment and avoidance of closeness
• Difficulty trusting others
• History of childhood trauma or inconsistent caregiving
• Swinging from feeling safe to unsafe in a relationship
• Inconsistent relationship patterns
• Struggling to regulate emotions and inconsistent behavior
• Experiencing low self-esteem
• Self-sabotage and internal conflict

The different ways people experience and feel in relationships are part of attachment theory. Created by John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, attachment theory looks at how your early relationship with caregivers impacts the emotions and relationships throughout your life, including any intimate relationship. 

Signs of other attachment styles

There are four major attachment styles. Three of them, including disorganized, are insecure attachment styles. Then there is one more, a secure attachment style. Below is a brief overview of the other attachment styles.

• Secure attachment style: This person is comfortable with emotional intimacy, has high self-worth, and is happy being independent. They are also more likely to have close friendships and be trusting of others.
• Anxious attachment style: Someone with this attachment style will typically have a negative view of themselves but think positively about others. They might regularly worry about their relationships and work hard for others to accept them.
• Avoidant or dismissive style: This individual has a positive view of themselves but thinks negatively of others. They’re not one to show much emotion and tend to be less warm and caring. 

How can a disorganized attachment style impact your relationship?

To start, there is nothing “wrong” with you for feeling this way. Understanding how this attachment style presents can only serve to guide you toward a happy and healthy relationship.

If you live with a disorganized attachment style, you might experience different signs, like inconsistent moods, limited trust, and fear of rejection, says Way. As a result of these intense feelings, you might distance yourself from your partner, regardless of the love and support they show you. You might struggle to accept this love and support, fearing it will change. 

“They want to be loved and valued but struggle with a negative self and world view, making it hard to be able to reciprocate trust in a relationship,” Way continues. “Having inconsistent needs and wants often leads to unpredictability and suspicion in most if not all, of their relationships since trust is often not able to be formed completely and they tend to act in conflicting, unpredictable ways.”

Flemister seconds that: “A disorganized attachment style can create a lot of emotional instability in a relationship because the person both craves connection and fears it at the same time. This inner conflict often leads to push-pull dynamics, trust issues, and emotional exhaustion for both partners.”

If you experience a disorganized attachment style, you might also engage in self-sabotaging behaviors, explains Way. This attitude might involve actions that make the relationship “fail” before it can fall on its own, as the thinking goes. You might act this way if you feel too close to another person or the relationship is not going how you wish it were.   

How to cope with a disorganized attachment style

Changing your attachment style doesn’t happen overnight, but “disorganized attachment, just like the other forms of insecure attachment, can be healed,” says Charlie Health Primary Therapist Alysson Thewes, LCSW. “Individuals can become securely attached.”

Way notes that it’s certainly hard work, but you can and need to learn to trust others. Here are the techniques you can use to cope with a disorganized attachment style. 

1. Recognize where it impacts your life

You might not realize at first just how experiencing a disorganized attachment style has impacted you. The first step is to “build self-awareness of the push-pull dynamics, triggers, trust issues, and fear of closeness within the relationship,” says Flemister. Part of this process also involves challenging the negative beliefs you hold around relationships and opening yourself up to the potential that they don’t have to be painful.

2. Learn about the attachment style

The more you understand something, the more you can cope with it. Thewes recommends reading a few books and articles about this type of insecure attachment style to further develop your knowledge. 

3. Work on your communication skills 

As lovely as it would be if your partner could know what you’re thinking, it’s up to you to tell them. Be honest about what you’re experiencing and what boundaries you need to feel healthy and happy in the relationship.

4. Spend time with good people

Some people are not worth your time and might not treat you the best, but so many will. Find the “secure and supportive people who are consistent and emotionally available,” says Flemister. Look at how they give and accept love and care, then nudge yourself to do the same — even if it initially feels uncomfortable.

5. Practice healthy habits 

There are plenty of healthy things you can try and work to get into the habit of doing. “Practice emotional regulation tools that help fight the urge to push someone away due to fear,” says Flemister. Emotional regulation skills could include mindfulness practices to observe emotions without judgment, cognitive reappraisal to reinterpret situations, physical relaxation techniques like deep breathing, setting boundaries, taking time-outs, journaling to process feelings, and practicing self-compassion—among others.

6. Work with a therapist

You don’t have to deal with all this on your own. You can lean on close relationships and a therapist for support. A therapist is “someone who will be consistent, non-judgmental, accepting, and predictable,” says Way. “When you start to process and talk through your experiences, that is when the healing begins. Work with your inner child in therapy, recognize what they did not get and what it is that they need, and challenge your ‘inner critic’ or your negative and harsh voice in your head.” If you have experienced trauma, then doing inner healing work with a focus on this area can be beneficial, adds Flemister.  

According to Way, the key to each of these techniques is to practice and start small. As she puts it, “Practice recognizing the role your attachment style has played in your life, practice communicating how you are feeling, take time and space, practice communicating what you want and need, recognize your triggers, and learn self-soothing techniques.”

How Charlie Health can help 

If you’re struggling to feel comfortable in a healthy, intimate relationship, Charlie Health might be able to help. Charlie Health’s virtual Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) offers more than once-weekly therapy for people dealing with serious mental health challenges, including unresolved trauma. Our IOP combines group sessions, individual therapy, and family therapy to help people manage any kind of attachment style—whether that’s a secure attachment style, anxious attachment style, or avoidant attachment style. With this kind of online therapy, taking care of your mental health is possible. Fill out the form below to start healing today.