Overcoming Betrayal: How to Stop Overthinking After Being Cheated On

Being betrayed by your romantic partner can take a toll on your mental and emotional health. Here's how to stop overthinking and start healing.

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Being betrayed by someone you care about is a serious violation of trust. In intimate or romantic relationships, betrayal typically refers to infidelity, but experts agree that cheating can include emotional cheating, conditional love, and emotional withdrawal. If you’ve discovered that your partner has cheated on you or is neglecting your emotional needs, research shows it’s completely normal to struggle with anxiety, insecurity, and rumination (or overthinking). 

Julie A. Eggleston, CTRS, MS, Experiential Therapist with Charlie Health, agrees that overthinking is a normal reaction to betrayal. “It’s common to overthink things because of the lack of trust between the partners,” she explains. “Unless you work on overcoming the trust issues, then it will always be an issue.” Rebuilding trust in a relationship after a betrayal isn’t always easy, but it is possible to stop overthinking and move forward. Read on to learn how to stop overthinking after being cheated on and heal from betrayal.

What is overthinking? 

Overthinking is when someone thinks about one thing too much or for too long. Although it can be frustrating, it’s actually pretty common. Data shows that overthinking occurs most often among young and middle-aged adults and is more common in women than men. 

How is overthinking related to betrayal?

When navigating a betrayal, some people become so consumed by the cheating that it can be hard to focus on anything else. Signs that you’re overthinking include: 

• Dwelling on the same thoughts or concerns 
• Feeling down or anxious because of your thoughts
• Trouble relaxing or feeling at ease (with or without your partner) 
• Trouble making decisions 
• Obsessing over things that are outside of your control 

When someone continues to focus on a distressing situation or event, such as being cheated on, their overthinking can contribute to a negative cycle of thinking called rumination. Some research shows a clear link between infidelity and rumination, with rumination leading to negative moods and thought patterns. 

When asked why some people struggle with rumination following infidelity, Eggleston explained that it could be linked to “past trauma and experiences, as well as wanting to believe that everything is ‘as it was before’ the incident even though they’re struggling with change.” Other potential risk factors for rumination include low self-esteem, being cheated on in the past, and mental health conditions like anxiety and depression. 

Effects of overthinking after being cheated on

Unfortunately, rumination can cause more problems than dwelling on heartache. Studies show that rumination is associated with high levels of stress and may contribute to depression, anxiety, trauma, and low self-esteem. Other ways that overthinking about infidelity can impact your mental, emotional, and physical health include: 

• Increased feelings of anger, sadness, or grief
• Jealousy and trust issues 
• Trouble focusing or making decisions
• Reduced confidence and sense of security 
• Changes in eating and sleeping habits
• Digestive issues like nausea or diarrhea 
• Headaches and fatigue

Six ways to stop overthinking after being cheated on

When one person in a relationship cheats, it often has a profound impact on the future of the relationship. Whether you’re newly dating or in a decades-long marriage, it poses the question of rebuilding or ending the partnership. 

According to Eggleston, it is possible to get a handle on overthinking and rebuild the relationship. Some of her tips include “rebuilding trust, working on the ‘new normal’ after an incident, and trying to get past the situation while continuing to work on the relationship.”

But regardless of whether or not you choose to stay with your partner, it’s important to prioritize your own mental well-being. Here are six strategies to help reduce rumination and regain your confidence and mental clarity.

1. Challenge negative thoughts

It’s normal to struggle with self-doubt and other negative thoughts after experiencing betrayal. For example, you may be grappling with questions like: Why did they betray me? Is there something wrong with me? Will this happen again?

Next time, if you find yourself obsessing or overthinking the relationship, take a moment to challenge these negative thoughts or cognitive distortions. If there is no evidence to support these claims, consider reframing these thoughts into more realistic and empowering perspectives. For example, if you find yourself thinking, “Why did my partner cheat? Is there something wrong with me,” you can replace that challenging thought with “Cheating is a reflection of the person who cheated, not of their partner.”

2. Use positive affirmations

When struggling with something as painful as betrayal, it’s important to be kind to yourself. Creating positive affirmations is one way to reduce negative self-talk and focus on healing. Here are a few examples of positive affirmations to help end toxic thoughts related to infidelity: 

• I am worthy of love, respect, and commitment.
• I deserve honesty and loyalty from my partner.
• I am healing, and everyday I am growing stronger
• I am open to a future partnership filled with love and trust.

3. Practice mindfulness

Another way to break the cycle of painful thoughts and memories is to engage in mindfulness techniques. Mindfulness is the act of focusing on the present moment and observing thoughts and feelings without judgment. Mindfulness practices like meditation, deep breathing, and body scans have been shown to help reduce rumination, stress, and emotional reactivity. 

4. Spend time with family and friends

Spending time with trusted family and friends can be a welcomed distraction from fixating on where your relationship went wrong. They may even be able to offer emotional support or a fresh perspective on how to move forward. That said, just make sure that you’re consulting people who aren’t prone to overthinking themselves. Some research has found that co-rumination can actually exacerbate anxiety. 

5. Find healthy distractions

Next time you start to dwell on the incident, look for a distraction to break the negative thought cycle. This can be a simple solution, such as turning on some music or grabbing a drink of water, or it can be an opportunity to engage in activities that are associated with positive memories. Journaling, exercising, and socializing with friends can all help reduce overthinking and improve mood. 

6. Try therapy

If overthinking is starting to significantly impact your mental well-being and quality of life, it may be time to meet with a mental health professional. In addition to lifestyle changes and self-help strategies, there are several types of therapy that are used to help manage and control harmful thoughts following distressing events. 

One example is cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), a type of talk therapy that’s used to identify and change negative thought patterns. CBT provides people with the skills to improve their confidence, self-esteem, and ability to cope with stress.

Another option for managing overthinking is dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). DBT encourages self-acceptance by teaching people how to understand and regulate their emotions. And if you’re interested in including your partner, you can consider family therapy or couples therapy to learn how to improve communication, overcome problems, and build a healthier future. Be kind to yourself during this process. Remember that personal growth takes time! 

How Charlie Health can help

If you’re struggling with overthinking and negative thought patterns, Charlie Health is here to help. Charlie Health’s virtual Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) provides more than once-weekly mental health treatment for young people and families dealing with a range of mental health concerns, including rumination, relationship challenges, and associated mental illness. 

Charlie Health’s expert clinicians incorporate evidence-based therapies into individual counseling, family therapy, and group sessions to support your unique healing journey and personal growth. With this kind of holistic treatment, managing your mental health and creating a happier future is possible. Complete the form below or give us a call to start healing today.