Are Your Repeated Mistakes Actually Weaponized Incompetence?

Weaponized incompetence is when a person acts like they can’t do simple tasks in an effort to make the other person do them.

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As people age, there’s an expectation that you’ll learn how to do basic tasks, like grocery shopping or loading a dishwasher, yet some pretend they can’t do them or do them poorly even when they can. These are examples of weaponized incompetence—situations where “a person acts like they cannot do something in order to get other people to pick up their workload,” as Charlie Health Primary Therapist Alysson Thewes, LCSW, explains. Read on to learn how to recognize weaponized incompetence, why people use it, and how to address it in your relationships.

What is weaponized incompetence?

In most instances, weaponized incompetence is when a person pretends not to have a skill, says Charlie Health Creative Arts Therapist Courtney Way, MA, LCAT. They might be purposely doing it or, in some cases, be unaware of it. 

Way explains that weaponized incompetence can occur in any relationship, whether with a coworker, platonic, romantic, familial, or otherwise. In a more toxic relationship this can involve a person making excuses or gaslighting their partner to make them doubt their ability to complete the task, she explains.

To this end, weaponized or faked incompetence can also make you feel like there’s no trust or space for communication since you are being led to believe that another person won’t get things done, which can negatively impact your mental health.  

Signs someone is using weaponized incompetence

Identifying signs of weaponized incompetence can be tricky because there are tasks that everyone struggles to do. However, here are some common signs of weaponized incompetence to keep an eye out for.  

1. Repeatedly messing up simple tasks

Weaponized incompetence often comes up around tasks that are very cut and dry. A person might repeatedly mess up simple tasks, even after discussing them. According to Way, these actions could include leaving food wrappers out or children not putting their toys away correctly. 

The idea is that they’re doing the task so poorly that you will feel like they have no choice but to do it for them. As a result, you end up doing much more work than the other person and can often feel manipulated or taken advantage of in the relationship. 

2. Ignoring boundaries

In this vein, weaponized incompetence might make you feel that your needs are not being met and you’re not being respected. “There is also likely a theme of them not respecting your boundaries in other avenues of life, as well,” says Thewes. 

3. Using dismissive phrases

Other signs you can look for that a person is using weaponized incompetence include them saying certain phrases, such as “You’re better at this than I am,” “I’ll mess it up if I do it,” or “I don’t have time,” explains Way.

4. Invoking outdated gender roles

In some cases, a male partner might lean on gender roles when looking at a specific task or domestic tasks, ignoring that this extra work is a household responsibility, not a case for unequal division of labor. 

5. Making excuses

Thewes adds that the other person might also constantly have excuses for not taking on projects, chores, and the like. If it feels like they’re saying a bunch of nonsense, it’s likely true.

Why might someone use weaponized incompetence? 

There are a few reasons that someone might use weaponized incompetence in a relationship, but for Thewes, the number one reason is a need for control. This technique, if you can call it that, gives them an indirect way to control who is doing which task and push you to take on more. 

Way seconds this: “Usually, someone might do this to avoid responsibility or maintain control in the relationship.” She notes that it can also be due to wanting attention or showing discontent in the relationship.

It’s critical to note that these actions are not always ill-intentioned. “Some people who do this are anxious about tasks and don’t do it with malice or even conscious intent,” says Way. “Sometimes, people do this because they have low self-esteem or anxiety, so they avoid doing the task in order to avoid being anxious or feeling worse about themselves if they mess up.” 

How to discuss and reduce weaponized incompetence 

Weaponized incompetence can be challenging to deal with, regardless of the relationship dynamic and their intentions. But, it’s not a dynamic you should remain in — especially when you surely have enough on your plate as it is. There are steps you can take to address faked incompetence with the other person and, thus, attempt to create a healthier relationship (though, like all these tasks, it shouldn’t fall entirely on you). 

1. Practice open communication 

This notion is especially true in cases where the other person doesn’t realize what they’re doing, but you need to communicate clearly how their actions make you feel, says Way. Talk to the person about your expectations regarding responsibility in the relationship. 

2. Create clear boundaries

That talk is also the time to lay out firm boundaries. As Thewes says, “During the conversation, one has an opportunity to share what they are seeing or interpreting, and then set boundaries from there.” To prepare for the conversation, you might want to read about different clear boundaries or discuss them with a therapist. 

3. Try therapy

Again, a therapist can be a great resource for you — or for the other person — to work through the situation and any growing resentment in a healthy manner. “Sometimes all of these tools need a little extra processing and practice time, which therapy is great for,” says Way. If the person in question is a romantic partner, then couples counseling is also a good option. Therapy can also help you determine if a relationship is no longer worth your energy. 

How Charlie Health can help 

If you’re struggling with your mental health, Charlie Health might be able to help. Charlie Health’s virtual Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) offers more than once-weekly therapy for people dealing with serious mental health challenges. Our IOP combines group sessions, individual therapy, and family therapy to help people with boundary setting, laying out clear expectations, goal setting, and more. With this kind of online therapy, taking care of your mental health is possible. Fill out the form below to start healing today.