Yes, Emotional Self-Harm Is a Real Thing

Emotional self-harm refers to thoughts and behaviors that reinforce feelings of worthlessness or inadequacy.

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Self-harm is when a person intentionally causes themself pain. We typically associate the term self-harm with non-suicidal self-injury, which involves physical harm such as cutting or burning your skin. However, self-harm can also involve thoughts and behaviors that cause psychological pain. 

“Emotional self-harm manifests through self-sabotaging actions, negative self-talk, and even patterns of engaging in toxic relationships that reinforce feelings of worthlessness or inadequacy,” says Chris Hinton, LPC, a Charlie Health Group Facilitator. Unmanaged or prolonged emotional self-harm behaviors can affect your confidence, self-esteem, and overall mental health. Below, we review common examples and signs of emotional self-harm, as well as coping mechanisms for dealing with difficult emotions. 

What is emotional self-harm?

“Emotional self-harm from a professional and clinical explanation refers to the deliberate engagement in thought patterns, behaviors, or interpersonal dynamics that cause emotional distress, self-degradation, or psychological pain,” says Hinton. Some examples of emotional self-harm behavior include: 

1. Negative self-talk

If you’re constantly putting yourself down or criticizing yourself for things that are outside of your control, it may be a form of emotional self-harm. Some examples of negative self-talk include “I’m not good enough” and “I’ll never succeed.” 

2. Self-sabotaging behaviors

Self-sabotage is when you intentionally do things that undermine your happiness and well-being. Examples of self-sabotaging behaviors include abusing drugs or alcohol to cope with difficult feelings and purposefully avoiding opportunities for growth and success. 

3. Unhealthy relationship dynamics

Emotional self-harm often stems from feelings of shame, guilt, or worthlessness. As a result, people who emotionally self-harm may be more likely to engage in toxic or abusive relationships or isolate themselves from family and friends.

4. Harmful traits and thought patterns

People with perfectionist traits may be more likely to set unrealistic standards and then criticize themselves for not meeting those goals. All-or-nothing thinking, catastrophizing, and overgeneralizations can also contribute to emotional self-harm.

Possible signs of emotional self-harm

Emotional self-harm can be more difficult to detect than physical self-harm. However, there are several subtle signs that someone may be using emotional self-harm to cope with distressing thoughts and beliefs.

• Changes in mood
• Changes in eating and sleeping habits 
• Being more secretive
• Increased social isolation 
• Increased maladaptive behaviors, such as avoidance, aggression, and procrastination

What causes emotional self-harm?

“Emotional self-harm is often a complex response to unresolved emotional pain, trauma, or dysfunctional belief systems,” says Hinton. “It’s often used as a way to cope with feelings like shame, guilt, and low self-worth.” There’s no one single cause of emotional self-harm, but several possible risk factors for emotional self-harm include:

• Early childhood experiences and attachment issues
• Trauma and adverse life experiences
• Cognitive distortions and maladaptive thought patterns
• Unhealthy relationship patterns
• Difficulty with emotional regulation

“Some of the mental conditions that may be associated with emotional self-harm may be depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and even eating disorders,” adds Hinton.

Five tips for managing emotional self-harm

Unmanaged emotional self-harm can have consequences for your mental health and overall well-being. It can impact your self-esteem, sense of self, and relationships with others. It may also increase your risk of physical self-harm behaviors or other mental health concerns. If you’re struggling with emotional self-harm, know that there are strategies and resources that can help you manage or reframe negative thoughts. 

“Healthy and effective coping skills for emotional self-harm can look like challenging negative thoughts, learning to regulate difficult emotions instead of suppressing them, using daily techniques to redirect self-destructive behaviors, learning techniques to self-soothe, and having a support system,” explains Hinton. Below, we review how to put some of these coping mechanisms into action so that you can begin to practice self-love. 

1. Identify negative thought patterns

Cognitive distortions are biased or irrational thoughts that reinforce negative emotions, behaviors, and beliefs. For example, you may have a habit of spiraling over worst-case scenarios or viewing anything less than perfect as a failure. 

Once you’re aware of the way these negative thought patterns are influencing your life, you can begin to focus on healthy thoughts and behaviors. If you’re not sure where to start, consider keeping a journal to help you reflect on what’s contributing to your emotional distress. 

2. Show yourself kindness and compassion

Self-compassion involves showing yourself kindness and understanding, especially during difficult moments. While it may not come easy for people who engage in emotional self-harm, practicing self-compassion can help eliminate the urge to self-harm. Try celebrating your wins, both big and small, and replacing critical thoughts with positive affirmations like: “I am worthy of love and kindness today and always.”

3. Spend your time with supportive people 

Spending time with people who you trust and make you feel good has been shown to decrease social isolation and increase resilience — both of which may reduce the urge to engage in emotional self-harm. You can also consider starting a new hobby, volunteering for a cause you’re passionate about, seeking mentorship opportunities, or finding a support group for other people with similar struggles.

4. Practice mindfulness and meditation 

Mindfulness is the idea of remaining present and engaged in the current moment without judgment or distraction. Mindfulness practices such as meditation, deep breathing, and body scans may reduce negative thoughts and other mental health concerns.

5. Speak with a mental health professional

Although emotional self-harm isn’t a diagnosable mental health condition, it can be a sign of one. Self-harm is associated with a range of mental health disorders, including anxiety, depression, and trauma. If you have a history of emotional self-harm, consider looking for a therapist who can help you identify negative thought patterns, manage your painful emotions, and build a brighter future. 

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), in particular, are considered effective for emotional self-harm. CBT can help people challenge and reframe distressing thoughts and develop healthier coping mechanisms, while DBT provides the skills to accept and manage uncomfortable thoughts and feelings.

How Charlie Health can help

If you or a loved one are struggling with emotional self-harm, Charlie Health is here to help. Charlie Health’s virtual Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) provides more than once-weekly mental health treatment for dealing with serious mental health disorders, including anxiety, depression, and more. Our expert clinicians incorporate evidence-based therapies into individual counseling, family therapy, and group sessions. With treatment, managing your mental health is possible. Fill out the form below or give us a call to start healing today.