The Psychological Impacts of Family Estrangement — and How to Cope

Are you estranged from your family and struggling with the mental health impacts? Read on to learn more about family estrangement and how to cope.

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If you’re estranged from one or more family members, you’re far from alone. It’s become incredibly common for people to make the difficult decision to distance themselves from unhealthy or harmful relationships, even when those relationships are with parents, siblings, children, or other close relatives.

Recent research suggests that around 27% of US adults have an estranged family member. That’s more than one in four people dealing with family estrangement. Read on to learn more about family estrangement, why it’s on the rise, how to cope, and more.

Understanding family estrangement

Family estrangement is when a close family relationship becomes cut off (emotionally, physically, or both) because staying connected no longer feels safe, healthy, or sustainable.

This estrangement may occur for many reasons. “Estrangement rarely occurs suddenly; it usually follows repeated attempts to repair, communicate, or be understood that ultimately failed,” says Bree Williams, LPCA, a Group Facilitator at Charlie Health. 

Williams says some of the most common reasons for estrangement include:

• Emotional abuse
• Physical abuse
• Sexual abuse
• Ongoing manipulation or gaslighting
• Controlling or narcissistic parenting
• Rejection related to sexuality or gender identity
• Chronic disrespect
• Addiction dynamics
• Unresolved childhood trauma

Psychological impacts of family estrangement

Family relationships (or lack thereof) can deeply impact mental health, for better or worse. If you’re estranged from a family member, or multiple family members, it can impact your emotional health, often in complicated ways. For example, you might feel relieved or even happy to be away from a toxic, abusive person, but you might feel sad about the relationship you once had.

“Family estrangement can be emotionally complex and deeply painful. Many people describe an ongoing grief process, not for a person who has passed away, but for someone who is still living and emotionally unavailable or unsafe,” Williams says.

Additionally, you might feel guilt, shame, confusion, anger, or loneliness, especially in cultures where family loyalty is expected, Williams says

“There’s also a loss of identity for some. When the people who shaped your earliest sense of self are not in your life, you’re left rebuilding your emotional foundation without their presence,” Williams adds. “Over time, some experience relief or emotional clarity, but the journey often begins with grief, sadness, and internal conflict.”

Family estrangement depression 

Research shows a link between family estrangement and increased risk of depression and reduced psychological well-being, with the link even stronger when someone is estranged from both their parents and siblings. 

“Family estrangement can significantly increase the risk of depression because it involves ambiguous loss, disrupted identity, and ongoing stress on the nervous system,” says Tairesha “Sunflower” Flemister, LMSW, a Charlie Health Contemplative Practitioner.

According to Flemister, some of the reasons family estrangement may contribute to depression include:

• Loss of belonging or connection
• Chronic uncertainty
• Guilt and shame
• Identity struggles
• Self-blame
• Reduced access to support during stressful times

However, this doesn’t mean that you’re guaranteed to develop depression (or stay depressed) if you’re estranged from your family. “Regulating the nervous system, cultivating healthy relationships, and creating meaning outside the family can help protect mental health over time,” says Flemister. 

Family estrangement on the rise: How family estrangement became normalized

Family estrangement has been on the rise, and some may even view family estrangement as “normal” these days. “The normalization isn’t about celebrating distance, it’s about recognizing that relationships, even familial ones, must be rooted in mutual respect and safety, not blood alone,” Williams says.
“I don’t see this as people becoming ‘cold’ or ‘selfish,’ but rather an increased awareness of emotional boundaries, safety, and generational healing.”

Estrangement creates an ambiguous loss, Flemister explains, because the person is still alive, but they’re emotionally unavailable. “As this type of loss becomes more recognized, people are more willing to name it, talk about it, and make choices that support nervous system safety rather than staying in chronically stressful family dynamics,” she says. 

The rise in open conversations about mental health and greater use of mental health language has empowered people to name dysfunction and take action against it. “People are less willing to tolerate abuse, emotional neglect, disrespect, or denial of identity just because ‘family is family,’” Williams adds.

How to deal with family estrangement: Family estrangement therapy

Therapy is an excellent way to cope with the psychological impacts of family estrangement, or any type of family conflict, for that matter.

“Therapy modalities that are most effective are those that address attachment wounds, grief, identity formation, and relational trauma,” Williams says. She recommends the following therapy modalities to improve your mental health and foster personal growth:

• Internal family systems (IFS): IFS help individuals explore the inner parts shaped by parental dynamics, Williams says. You will connect to different parts of yourself, including your inner child, to gain a deeper understanding. 
• Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR): This is a unique therapy that uses bilateral stimulation (side-to-side stimulation, typically through eye movements) to change how your brain stores trauma. This can be helpful if you’re a survivor of abuse or any other type of childhood trauma. “[EMDR] helps reprocess harmful experiences that still influence emotional responses today,” Williams says. 
• Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT): This is a mindfulness and acceptance-based therapy. “ACT is helpful for navigating guilt, self-blame, and societal pressure by teaching emotional acceptance and value-based decision-making,” says Williams. 
• Emotionally focused therapy (EFT): EFT helps people understand and work through their emotions so they can change unhelpful patterns in how they feel and relate to others.

Additionally, if you’re trying to reconcile with estranged parents, siblings, or other family members, you might want to consider family therapy if everyone agrees to it. A therapist can help you improve family communication by teaching healthy conflict-resolution skills and providing a safe space for everyone to express their feelings.

Self-care for coping with the emotional impacts of family estrangement

In addition to therapy, it’s important to prioritize self-care to improve your emotional well-being and overall mental health. “Outside of formal treatment, emotional coping often starts with self-permission: acknowledging that it’s okay to grieve, feel angry, or feel relief, all at the same time,” Williams says. Here are five self-care tips.

1. Normalize ambiguous loss

Although family estrangement isn’t a death, there is still some type of grief that often accompanies it. It’s important to acknowledge and validate this feeling.

“Recognizing that the loss is unclear, ongoing, or complicated helps explain why the emotions are so intense,” Flemister says. “This reduces self-blame and gives language to a confusing experience.”

2. Lean on community support 

Find your “chosen family” and community. “Supportive relationships help meet the human need for connection, belonging, and co-regulation — all of which counteract the loneliness that often comes with estrangement,” Flemister says.

Whether or not you want to reconnect with your estranged family members, community support is key. “Trusted friends, chosen family, spiritual spaces, LGBTQ+ affirming communities, or peer support groups can help fill emotional gaps without forcing reconciliation,” Williams adds.

3. Practice self-compassion and boundary setting

Self-compassion refers to treating yourself with the same kindness, patience, and understanding that you would offer a close friend who is hurting.

“Speaking to yourself with gentleness helps soften guilt and shame, while keeping emotional boundaries prevents old patterns from resurfacing,” Flemister says. 

4. Journal

“Practices like journaling can help separate your voice from the internalized expectations of family culture,” Williams says.

Journaling is a great way to slow down your thoughts and put your emotions on paper. It can also help you identify patterns, clarify your needs, and express feelings you may not feel safe sharing out loud with anyone else.

Alternatively, you can try gratitude journaling, writing about the things you do have in your life that you’re grateful for. This doesn’t mean that you’re ignoring your hardships and difficult family life; it just means that you’re also taking intentional time to remember the positive things in your life. 

5. Create new rituals and redefine family

“Healing isn’t about replacing what was lost, it’s about accepting what was unsafe and creating what is needed now,” Williams says. Creating your own new rituals and traditions can help you build a sense of stability, connection, and meaning that isn’t tied to your blood-related family.

Another ritual you might try is writing closure letters to family members you’ve cut ties with — and you don’t have to mail them, Williams says. Writing these letters can help you release emotional weight, name what hurt you, and process unresolved feelings, whether or not reconciliation ever happens.

How to facilitate communication with an estranged family member

You don’t have to remain estranged from a family member (or members) forever. “Reconnection is possible, but it should be done slowly to protect emotional and nervous system safety,” Flemister says. 

Here are some tips for rebuilding a relationship with an estranged family member, whether that’s a parent, child, or sibling. 

1. Ask yourself what your intentions are

Before you hastily reach out, make sure your intention is clear. “Clarify the meaning you hope to make — closure, understanding, new boundaries, or reestablishing the relationship in a healthier form,” Flemister says. 

2. Start with low-intensity contact

Showing up on an estranged family member’s doorstep isn’t exactly a great idea. Opt for something that’s less intense. “A text, card, or email prevents overstimulation of the nervous system and allows both sides to process at their own pace,” says Flemister. 

Additionally, you don’t want to rush reconciliation. “Begin with small exchanges, not big emotional expectations,” Williams adds.

3. Use grounding skills before and after communication

It’s natural to feel worked up and experience a range of emotions when trying to reconnect with an estranged family member. Flemister recommends using grounding skills to calm the body, reduce reactivity, and help conversations stay steady and respectful.

Some examples of somatic grounding techniques include deep breathing exercises, running cold water over your hands, or going for a walk.  

4. Approach conversations with curiosity and empathy

“Ask about their perspective without assuming intent,” Flemister says. “Curiosity supports empathy and helps reconstruct a shared narrative.”

While it’s easier said than done, try to remain empathetic. “In estrangement, empathy is powerful because it reduces defensiveness, expands perspective, and creates space for meaning reconstruction on both sides,” says Flemister. “When empathy is present, the nervous system feels safer, conversations are less reactive, and the possibility for healing, even partial healing, becomes more realistic.

It’s important to note that practicing empathy and understanding someone else’s story does not mean you’re accepting their harmful behavior, Flemister says — rather, you’re acknowledging that everyone has their own emotional history and painful behavior often comes from unprocessed trauma and/or unmet needs. 

5. Set clear boundaries

Boundary setting is crucial for any healthy relationship. If you’re letting an estranged parent or sibling back into your life, it’s extra important to set boundaries. 

“Communicate what is okay for you emotionally and what is not,” Flemister recommends. “Boundaries protect your nervous system and reduce the risk of slipping into old cycles.” Make it clear what you will and won’t accept in the new relationship. 

Stay strong with these boundaries within the family dynamic, and do not let people cross them. “If harmful patterns return, pause or reset communication,” Williams advises.

6. Accept that reconciliation may not be linear

As with any type of healing, progress isn’t always linear. “Ambiguous loss means change may happen slowly, inconsistently, or not at all,” says Flemister. “Letting go of rigid expectations protects emotional well-being.”

7. Consider a moderator

If conversations with your estranged family member tend to get heated, consider a moderator. Williams says a therapist or other neutral third party can help guide the conversations and facilitate healthier communication within the family dynamic.

How Charlie Health can help

If you’re struggling with the mental health impacts of family estrangement, Charlie Health can help. Our virtual Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) provides more than once-weekly mental health treatment for people dealing with mental health conditions, including those that can result from family estrangement, abuse, and trauma.

Our compassionate clinicians incorporate evidence-based therapies, like trauma-informed modalities and internal family systems, into individual counseling, family therapy, and group sessions. With this kind of support, you can improve your mental health and create healthier relationships moving forward. Fill out the form below or give us a call to start your healing journey today.