How to Help Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder, According to a Therapist

You can help a person experiencing borderline personality disorder through active listening, looking into therapy options, and creating healthy boundaries.

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We all want to help the people we care about as they navigate what life brings them, including mental health conditions. The good news is there are many ways to help someone someone with their mental health, from listening to connecting them with professional support. In this article, we’ll explore five expert tips on supporting someone with borderline personality disorder, including how to connect them with the best treatment options and what to do if your boundaries aren’t being respected. 

5 ways to help someone with borderline personality disorder

BPD is among the top three most common personality disorders, affecting as many as 5.9% of U.S. adults by some estimates. Still, the condition and personality disorders, on the whole, are less common than some lower-acuity conditions (like anxiety or depression). Thus, they are often misunderstood — sometimes regarded as misbehavior instead of a legitimate mental health condition or, in the case of BPD, misclassified as a mood disorder, like bipolar disorder. If someone in your life is diagnosed with BPD, here are some therapist-approved tips for how to offer support. 

1. Do your research

Don’t put words into someone else’s mouth, but if a person in your life says they’re living with BPD, then take the time to educate yourself. Don’t put the entire onus on them to explain what the condition is and how you might be able to help them. A good place to start is by understanding common symptoms and causes of BPD. 

Common symptoms of borderline personality disorder

BPD is a Cluster B personality disorder — a group of conditions that, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), are characterized by “dramatic, emotional, or erratic behaviors.” According to Charlie Health Clinical Supervisor Tracye Freeman Valentine, LPC-MHSP, BPD symptoms to look out for are as follows:

• Mood swings 
• Extreme fear of abandonment
• Hallucinations 
• Impulsive and dangerous behaviors that could be damaging, such as spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, or binge eating
• Physical symptoms, including anxiety attacks, chest pain, dizziness, and more

Common causes of borderline personality disorder

According to Freeman Valentine, there are environmental, cultural, and social factors that can lead someone to experience BPD. “Many people living with borderline personality disorder report having experienced adverse childhood experiences and traumatic life events, such as abuse, abandonment, or hardship, during childhood,” says Freeman Valentine. “Others may have experienced unstable, invalidating relationships or conflicts.”

Brain structure can also play a part. According to Freeman Valentine, individuals living with BPD could “have structural and functional changes in the brain, especially in areas that control impulses and emotion regulation.” However, these changes could be a cause or have been caused by experiencing BPD. 

Family history might also factor into it, explains Freeman Valentine. People with a family member who lives with BPD may be more likely to develop it.

2. Listen to the person living with borderline personality disorder 

Actively listen without judgment as the person explains how they feel, what they’re experiencing, and any other aspect they choose to share with you. Validate their experience and acknowledge that you don’t understand what it’s like to live with BPD.  

3. Encourage them to seek professional help 

Therapy can be one of a few excellent treatment options for managing BPD. You can encourage them to pursue professional help or help them look for accessible options if the idea overwhelms them. As Freeman Valentine puts it, “borderline personality disorder is a chronic condition that can be managed by a medical professional. Treatments include talk therapy or, in some cases, medications.” 

A person might benefit from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) or cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). DBT was originally created to treat BPD. It can help a person gain emotional regulation and distress tolerance skills. It has proven to have long-term benefits and assist in improving relationships between individuals and people in their lives. 

4. Attend family therapy

If you are family members with the person with BPD, Freeman Valentine recommends trying family therapy “as it focuses on needs of the family and assists in helping people develop skills to support their family members.” You could speak with your loved one about whether they want to explore this and make the arrangements for in-person or virtual sessions. 

5. Know what to do if you’re a “favorite person”

Many people living with BPD have what’s called a favorite person. This person is someone that they might depend on for validation, tell everything to, and feel territorial or jealous over if they’re spending time with other people. 

If this sounds familiar, we recommend doing a couple of things to help the person without compromising your needs. Setting healthy boundaries — physical and emotional — can ensure a healthy relationship rather than a codependent one. At the same time, try to avoid the pressure to show up for them constantly or overcommit yourself. Be honest and maintain trust and openness in the relationship. 

How Charlie Health can help

If a loved one in your life is struggling with borderline personality disorder (BPD), Charlie Health is here to help. Charlie Health’s virtual Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) provides more than once-weekly mental health treatment for young people and families dealing with serious mental health conditions, including BPD, bipolar disorder, anxiety disorders, and more. Our expert clinicians incorporate evidence-based therapies into individual counseling, family therapy, and group sessions. With this kind of holistic treatment, managing BPD is possible. Fill out the form below or give us a call to start healing today.