Therapist-Approved Tips to Stop Self-Sabotaging in Relationships

Self-sabotaging behaviors are usually unconscious, but can hurt relationships. Learn tips for how to stop.

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Sometimes, things are going right, but your brain says otherwise. You might be in a happy, fulfilling relationship, but struggling to trust your partner or be vulnerable with them. You might even pick fights with them or act controlling. If any of this sounds familiar, then you might be engaging in self-sabotaging behavior.

Sabotaging behavior is typically unconscious and goes against what you want or value in the relationship. Charlie Health Licensed Creative Arts Therapist Courtney Way, MA, LCAT, explains that self-sabotaging behaviors often damage trust or strain relationships, even when the person genuinely wants connection and success. That’s because self-sabotage is often rooted in “fear, past trauma, or unresolved insecurity that causes them to act out before they get hurt,” adds Charlie Health Group Facilitator Bree Williams, LPCA.

So, the big question is, how can you stop self-sabotaging relationships? The answer to that requires a deeper look at self-sabotaging behaviors. Read on to learn more about what sabotaging behavior looks like, what causes it, and, critically, how to stop self-sabotaging. 

What are the signs of self-sabotage in relationships?

So, how can you identify whether you or your partner is self-sabotaging a healthy relationship? According to Williams and Way, signs of self-sabotage in romantic relationships include:

• Picking fights when things are going well
• Withholding communication 
• Becoming emotionally unavailable
• Being hypercritical of themselves and others
• Constantly testing a partner’s commitment
• Avoiding vulnerability
• Being controlling
• Cheating, lying, or ghosting the person 

Self-sabotaging can also involve excessive reliance on the other person. Way notes that some people might also “become overly dependent on their partners or those they are close to due to being afraid they will be abandoned or distanced.”  

Williams notes that “these actions are often defensive — meant to protect the person from disappointment, abandonment, or rejection, even if none of those things are actually happening.”

Why might someone self-sabotage? 

That brings us to the why. What makes someone self-sabotage their relationships? Each person’s “why” can differ, but some common factors exist. For starters, a person might have a fear of vulnerability. “If you’ve been hurt before, you might protect yourself by staying emotionally guarded,” says Williams. Emotional intimacy can be scary and trigger trust issues from a past relationship.

A person might also struggle with self-worth. Way and Williams explain that this can manifest as them feeling like they don’t deserve to be loved, that they’re not good enough for it, or that it won’t last. 

“Childhood trauma, attachment wounds, or inconsistent love growing up can also lead to deeply ingrained beliefs like ‘I’ll always be left’ or ‘People can’t be trusted,’” says Williams. “Self-sabotage, then, becomes a survival strategy — even if it’s no longer serving them.” 

Way echoes this, explaining that self-sabotage can be a protection mechanism or a way of controlling the relationship and ensuring they don’t get rejected. “Some do this because it recreates a familiar dynamic that they are used to, which creates a sense of security, even if the dynamic isn’t healthy,” adds Way.  

How to stop self-sabotaging relationships 

Engaging in personal development to stop relationship sabotage can be challenging but rewarding. Read on to learn more tips for how to stop self-sabotage in relationships.

1. Work on self-awareness

Personal development is critical for working through trust issues and destructive behavior in a romantic relationship. “The first step is to increase awareness in order to figure out what may be causing these behaviors,” says Way. She recommends taking steps like honest self-reflection, journaling, and therapy.

Being in touch with yourself and the things you do or feel is so important. It can make a huge difference in reducing self-sabotage. “Notice your patterns — do you pull away when things get too close? Do you expect abandonment before it even happens? Naming these behaviors is the first step in changing them,” says Williams. 

Part of self-awareness is also noticing what triggers you. Way says you can look at factors like when you feel triggered and what emotions you feel. 

2. Practice vulnerability

Encourage yourself to engage in emotional intimacy, even in small doses, says Williams. “Let yourself be seen little by little. Share a fear. Receive support. These small steps build trust and emotional safety,” she says.

3. Name your beliefs 

It’s all too easy for an idea to fester in your head without any challenge. But it’s critical to look closely at your beliefs and question them. “Ask yourself, ‘Is this fear based on my current partner — or from past pain?” 

Williams and Way both stress that therapy can be a beneficial setting to challenge your beliefs. 

4. Work on open communication 

It can make things a lot easier for both you and your partner if you share your feelings, to the extent you’re comfortable doing so. Practicing open communication can grow trust and allow your relationship to progress at a steady and healthy pace, says Way.   

Part of that can include communicating your triggers. “Let your partner in on what feels hard for you,” says Williams. “You don’t have to carry those fears alone.”

5. Engage in therapy

Therapy can be an incredibly beneficial tool, whether with challenging beliefs, working on self-awareness, or foregoing destructive behavior in favor of a fulfilling relationship. As Williams explains, “Therapy can help you unpack where these patterns started, how they show up, and how to replace them with healthier relationship behaviors.”  

How Charlie Health can help

If you, a loved one, or a partner is struggling with emotional intimacy or well-being, Charlie Health is here to help. Charlie Health’s virtual Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) provides behavioral health treatment for people dealing with serious mental health conditions. Our expert clinicians incorporate evidence-based therapies into individual counseling, family therapy, and group sessions. With this kind of holistic online therapy, understanding and managing your mental health is possible. Fill out the form below or give us a call to start healing today.